loss of a fur baby

There is nothing worse than the feeling of getting a message from my mom saying "My cell phone is dead, but I need you to call me asap". I just instantly get the feeling that it's going to be bad news, and the way it's been going, I am fearful that it's death.
*Now let me make this clear, nothing will ever, EVER be more painful than losing a human family member, especially when it's a baby, because babies are the future. You know that someday your older family members will pass away before you, you just hope to god that you never lose a child.*

So, I called my mother, and I just didn't know what to expect, and she tells me that Bossy got outside, and I was worried that she was either A)hit by a car, or B)eaten by a coyote (because they have come into the area recently).
She began to tell me that my dad just feels absolutely sick about what happened. Lately I'd been letting bossy outside to help alleviate the tention between her and the other cats in the house.
She had escaped that day, and they brought her in, but somehow she got outside again.
This is the painful part, she was hiding underneath my dads tire, and he didn't know it.
He must have been moving the car for my mom so she could move her car and that's when he saw her.
I'm not mad at my father in any way, because I know he loved her, and he feels terribly about what happened.
I'm slightly bitter about the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye, or the fact that I didn't get to bring her to Dallas when I wanted to. I feel like my husband doesn't understand why I'm so upset. Before I had convinced him that she should come to Dallas he said he either wanted to give her away or have her put down, so it almost feels like he got his wish....she isn't coming to Dallas....in fur form :(.
My mom said she would have the cat cremated, I'm not sure what I am going to with her ashes, but I will keep my promise to her, she will come to Dallas with me.

So Bossy boots, my lovely kitten, I'm sorry I wasn't there with you, I'm sorry you weren't here with me, and I wish I'd given you an extra snuggle the last time I saw you.
The thing about the last time you see someone is, if you realized it was the last time you saw them, you would have done things much differently.

I love you Bossy, take care of baby Jackson, you are his angel kitten now, and he is your angel owner.

Made it to dallas

I've been in Dallas now for almost 2 weeks, it seems so crazy to be so far away from my family, it hurts a lot, because I miss them all so much.
I met up with my oldest sister this past weekend in Austin and it was great to see her, I like being around my family because it keeps me grounded. There have been lots of phone calls to my mom, lots of chatting to her, and letting her talk to Clark on the phone (which he does respond to with Cooing and happy faces).

There is one person I have not been able to talk to on the phone and it makes me sad. I called my sister the other day, but she was out, and seeing as it's long distance for her I don't want it to cost her a fortune to call me, plus I know how tired she has been and I don't want to call her too late. I regularily check her blog, and let her know I think of her often.

Lately I've been sad as well, thinking of Jackson, as I always do think about him. It still just doesn't feel real, like it never happened, but then I click on her blog, or look at a picture of him, and I realize "he's gone". I've watched his videos a few times, but I can never get past the opening and hearing the words "every little thing is gonna be alright". Sometimes I have to skip right to the end just to hear him cooing and baby talking to Lindsay, most of the time it's all I can handle.
Today my mind wandered off and I thought about the last time I held him, and I had to stop thinking about it because I was driving alone in the car and about to burst into tears.
I think the transition of moving away from my family has just made this all so much harder.

I know I will eventually settle into a routine and get used to driving in this city, and not being in my comfort of Canada. I know this will start to get easier over time (in the mindset of living in the US, not in the sense of Jacksons' death) but for now, I have my ups and downs, I just need to hear from someone soon....because I miss her.

Terrifying

There have been few times that I have been so terrified in my life that I have screamed and panicked.
The first time was when I heard that Jackson had passed away, that was terrifying, horrifying, and destroyed me.
The second time happened this past sunday. I had attended my friends bachelorette party the night before and we got the guys to watch the babies. The next morning we were all at breakfast and my hubby said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to go back to the room. We went back, requested a late checkout and he napped for about an hour. When he woke back up he said he was feeling fine, so we started packing up getting ready to go. I had just finished calling my friend to tell her we wouldn't be visiting as my shoulder was bugging me, and Andy didn't feel up to it either. Almost immediately after hanging up with her I turned and was talking to Andy when I noticed something different. He had the strangest expression on his face, his eyes were darting around the ceiling and he almost seemed to be turning in circles. I called his named twice and when he didn't respond It hit me "oh shit he is having a seizure". My first instinct was to get the baby out of his arms. I did that and placed the baby on the bed, I was too late to get back to Andy to try and break his fall and he hit his head on the corner of the wall.
His last seizure was May 2009 on our wedding day, I hadn't seen what happens to him, I'd only seen the after math when he was in the hospital, let me just say, that I now that I've seen what happens, I'm always going to be on my toes.
It was scary, I was screaming and crying, because when Andy hit the floor, he bit his tongue and turned blue. The blood came out of his mouth and I couldn't feel a pulse and all these thoughts started running through my mind.
"I can't lose you, I've already lost my nephew Jackson, I can't lose you too". "You can't leave me, we have our whole lives together and I don't want Clark to be without his daddy". The bell hop had been called to come get our bags and I heard him knock on the door, all I could say when I answered was "call 911, my husband had a seizure, help help!" The poor room maid had also come in and she was screaming and hysterical like me. From that point on, I remember doing CPR and he started breating again, and eventually the EMS people showed up. They said that it was normal for them to look like they weren't breathing, but when in doubt, do CPR.
They took Andy to the hospital and we waited for about 4 hours before they released him, I told him how much it scared me, and how it brought me back to February and what happened to Jackson.
So now, I'm constantly on him, telling him to sleep, and watching his facial expression, constantly asking if he's ok. I worry about leaving him alone with the baby. It's not that I don't trust him, but I am constantly worried about the safety of both of them.

talking helps

I went to talk to a counsellor today, after the session she commented that she thinks I am doing really well, and just said " you don't need to book another appointment unless you want to talk about other things".
That made me feel ok, she seems to think I am handling the situation as best I can, and I guess that makes me feel better.
She did bring up some interesting points, she mentioned that my mother really does need to grieve for Jackson in her own way, but she said that in no way is she allowed to make me feel guilty for moving to Texas. One grief cannot be crossed over into the other, and if it starts to happen I have to "tell her gently" that they cannot be transferred into making me feel guilty.
So, I was in the wrong for telling my mother to talk to a counsellor to deal with her feelings, but I am allowed to tell her that she can't make me feel guilty for leaving.
There you have it, I'm not always right, but I am certainly not in the wrong with not wanting people to lay a guilt trip on me when it comes time for Clark and I to move.

I think about you all the time

I thought about my sister a lot yesterday. She went to a babyloss group to talk to others who have experienced what she is going through. I was in the shower when I started crying, I usually find my mind wandering off while I'm in there, thinking about what my sister went through. Sometimes it's so hard to comprehend what has happened, not so much "why my family", but just "why" in general. Why does that have to happen to babies or children at all. A parent losing a child is hard, and I never understood why it has to happen. It doesn't matter the age of the child, I've had customers that broke down in front of me when they lost their 30,40,50 + year old child.
I remember a time when I would read the newspaper and see a baby or a young child or and I would think to myself "Oh that poor family, I can't imagine what they are feeling right now". Now I am experiencing this first hand, seeing Jacksons obituary made it that more real, and that much more sad.
I still don't understand why this happened, and I can't imagine what my sister is feeling or how she is handling it, I look at Clark and I think to myself "I can't imagine how Lindsay is feeling, because if I lost you, I wouldn't know how to deal with this". I sometimes watch him while he sleeps and I worry, and I fret, most new parents do this, but I feel that I might be a bit more anxious because of what happened to Jackson. It's all still unknown for this time being, and my hubby tells me not to worry, but I can't help this.

I wish there was some way to understand this, but there is nothing to understand, what happened just sucks, f*cking sucks.

not really sure how to feel

If I was crying every day on a constant basis, I would be told "You should be going to therapy, you need someone to talk to".
When I advised someone today that they should try therapy, they told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and that they are "dealing with this in their own way".
So am I to be told that, if it was ME that was doing this, I need to go to talk to someone, but cannot suggest it to someone else? You can't use post-partum depression as an excuse for me, if you want me to seek help, then you can do the same.
I was quite upset, and it really ruined my day. I had just woken up from a nap, a nap in which I had a dream, that I somehow magically brought Jackson back to life. I was already upset about this dream, because no matter how hard I dream this dream, I can't bring him back. I am then forced to deal with someone who is telling me "I am dealing with this in their own way, no therapist understands how I feel" etc etc. I suggested going to a support group to talk to other people who have been through this, and was then told that I didn't know what I was talking about.
The kicker was when they said "Well maybe Lindsay should get a gold star then for going to therapy". I said "yes she should, she lost her son, and she is talking to other people about it to help her heal.".
Then I got hit with the guilt trip, "how am I supposed to deal with this, I am going to lose you and Clark in a month".
Sorry, I didn't realize that once I leave Canada I'm gone forever. As if I'm not sad enough to leave you have to remind me how much I'm hurting you and everyone in the family. I have to leave my parents, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, neices, nephews and my grandma. I am leaving it all behind, and you are making it harder for me by making me feeling guilty.
I had some back-up on my side, but that was no use in this case. My father did remind my mother than my Grandma not so long ago left her family in England behind and started a family. This was back in the 50's, things have changed since then, but according to my mother, it hasn't.
I wish I could make her understand that this wasn't the way I planned to have my life go, but this is just the way it went.
So after this my sister is left to deal with a phone message from my mom, and in return I am left to feel like crap because in return Lindsay wants my mom to deal with this in 'her own way'.
I know this is my sisters new credo, but she is being so strong and handling Jacksons death better than most people could. Not only is she dealing with this in her own way, but she has people to talk to about it. I want my mom to have people to talk to, I am dealing with a new baby, and the death of my nephew, my emotions are already at a breaking point, I don't know how much more I can handle of this.

time flies and changes things

The last time I posted was in June of 2009, things have changed, quite a bit!!! I realize at the time I posted I didn't know I was preggers, but hey, I was!!!
Nine months has since passed and I have my beautiful baby boy now.
But all is not well.
During that time my sister had her son in November, and he was beautiful, and awesome, and everything she ever wanted in a son. He wasn't my first nephew, but he was still just as special as if he were my first nephew. He had beautiful red hair, and beautiful blue eyes, and the first time I ever held him in my arms I cried, I loved him so much. I enjoyed being pregnant, and was so excited that my sister and I were going to have our babies only be 4 months apart.
Skip to February 2010 and tragedy struck. I remember it so freshly, because I think about it everyday. My sister had informed us the night before that they had to take Jackson to the hospital because he had been throwing up the night before, when he had been X-rayed they told her that his heart seemed larger, so they took him via Ambulance to a bigger hospital to help him.
I spent that whole night crying, and worrying, despite everyone telling me it was ok. I even contemplated calling my sister who was a nurse practioner to call my sister to get the low down and see what was going on.
When I called my sister the next morning to check on my nephew she said he was fine, just a little fussy, but nothing to worry about. I still cried, and fretted and worried, the hospital wasn't giving her answers fast enough.
That night, was the worst night of our lives, it was the last night of the Olympics, and we sat down to watch the hockey game, then we got the call.
"Jackson is moving to critical care, Lindsay really needs you here, please come". We all jumped up and ran around trying to get everything together as fast as we could.
The whole time, I was near tears, my sister who is the nurse called my other sister, then called us, and told us to stay calm "critical care" only meant that Jackson would be with a nurse 24/7 to watch him.
I only wish we had left sooner, or driven faster. I called my sister Lindsay to see what was going on and all she told me was "I can't tell you right now, just drive to get here, and DON'T STOP". At that point, I was shaking, and ready to cry, and so angry when my dad and husband stopped to go to the bathroom. We were only a half hour away, I wanted to yell at them to "hold their pee" I was preggers still and I would rather have peed my pants than stopped.
When we got to the hospital, I knew something wasn't right, and I didn't want it to be my worst fear, but it was.
When my sister looked me in the eyes, she confirmed what I had feared all along "Jackson is gone".
My response was "I want to see him". I held him, and I cried and I kissed him, I didn't want to believe that he was gone, but I knew I had to. I had people telling me to calm down because I was crying so hard, but what did they really know? I just wanted Jackson to open his eyes again, and have his life back, if my tears could have brought him back I would have cried for the rest of my life.
I cried all week during his funeral, and while I don't have tears every day I still think about him every hour of every day.
My contractions started the day after Jacksons funeral, and slowly, they increased, until by sunday, I had delivered my son. A week after I lost my nephew, I had my own beautiful baby boy to hold.
It didn't seem fair that my sister had only lost Jackson a week prior, why should she not have her son as well? For that matter, why does anyone have to lose their babies? I know that there is a reason and a purpose for everything, but what is the reasoning for this?

So now this is where my family stands, my sister is being so strong, and she holds my son and while she does tear up sometimes, she enjoys her time with him. I know she thinks about Jackson when she holds him, that's what hurts me.
She is holding the nephew she was waiting to meet for 9 months, but I am missing the nephew that had a cousin I wanted him to meet for 9 months.

Everyone was robbed in my family;
My son was robbed of meeting his cousin.
My neices and nephews are robbed of growing up with their cousin.
We as Aunts and Uncles are robbed of seeing a nephew grow older
Grandparents are robbed of a grandchild they had so much hope for
and My sister and her boyfriend are robbed of their beautiful boy and their parenthood.

While they will have more children in the future, there is always going to be that hole in their hearts that cannot be filled by just having another child. You see, just because you have another child, it does not replace the one you lost.
They are excellent parents, so loving and warm, everything a baby needs. I only hope they are not nervous to have more children in the future.

I hope my sister knows how much I love her, and I will always be here for her, even when I move to Texas, I will only be a phone call away. I wish I was staying in Canada, so I could only be a car ride away but that is not the path that life is leading me at the moment. I would like to move back to Canada eventually, after all that life had handed my family at the moment, I don't want to miss out on anymore time with any future babies that come into my family.