Friday, December 31, 2010

Bye -Bye 2010 (and good riddance)

I started out 2010 with so much to look forward to, new baby, moving to a different country, and getting away from my horrible boss.
All 3 of those things happened, but with all the positive comes negative I suppose....
Firstly, I started out by ringing in 2010 with my "date", aka my nephew Jackson. The year was looking promising and I was happen to be off work and going to visit my hubby for a few weeks before I came back to Canada to await the arrival of my son.
Everything was looking good, the Olympics were in Canada, so February had some good times as well.
That was until Feb 28th came around. A day I wish I could rewind and change everything. A day that lives in my memory everyday, and will until the day I die. I was a week away from the arrival of my son, but my sister was hours away from losing hers. I never would have expected something horrible to happen to anyone I knew (let alone my own family). I wouldn't WANT it to happen to anyone regardless if I knew them or not. Yet it happened, it was all a big blur, that drive to Belleville, 5 f***ing hours it took us to get there to be with her, when we arrived that's when we discovered what she wouldn't tell me on the phone during the car trip. Our beautiful Jackson had left us only an hour before.
I can't really go into great detail of how I felt, but saying that it felt like someone ripped my heart out was an understatement. Now all I could do was sit and cry, go to his funeral, all while my arms were aching to hold my own baby. Knowing that I had my own child on the way was the only reason I could keep going, because I HAD to. I had to eat, I had to sleep, continue on with my life because someone else needed me to take care of them soon. Knowing that I had joy coming into my life, while my sister had her child ripped away from her ate away at me. I felt angry, sad, and guilty about everything. My sister deserved a child more than anything. She loved him, took care of him and did everything a Mommy should do for her child. Seeing deadbeat parents still boils my blood to this day, they should have their kids taken away if they aren't going to be responsible.
March 7th came in such a blur, but yet I can remember it all so clearly. Contractions starting about 2 days prior (after the funeral), the Saturday night going into the hospital (I felt silly, like I shouldn't have been there, surely I wasn't in labour yet!) and by the next morning at 5:05am, I had my sweet baby. Holding him in my arms has never made me happier, he made it safely into this world, and now it was up to me to protect him from all the bad there is in the world.
2 months after Clarks arrival, we were ready for "the big move".
June 5th, was another devastating blow for me, but not as horrible as Feb 28th. My mom messages me to call her. I instantly feel my stomach drop and fear the worst, I was worried about my Sister, or her Boyfriend, or is it something to do with my Grandma? Thankfully it was none of those people, but it was something I loved dearly, taken away from me suddenly...again.
My beloved cat Bossy had been run over, I shed so many tears that day. I shed tears for the shitty year we were having, and guilty tears because I didn't bring Bossy down with me like I promised her I would. My mother did a nice job of having my cat cremated, and while some might find it a little bit crazy, I did keep my promise to her, and she now resides with me, just not in her bodily form. I miss her so much, and I would love to have a new cat, but right now just isn't the time for one. Besides, no cat will ever be as awesome as she was.
10 months on, and I still get teary at the mere thought of what Jackson might look like if he were here with us today. I want so badly for Clark and Jackson to interact with each other, play like cousins, climb on each other, fall on each other, bite one another and then both of them would cry for their mommies. My sister and I could laugh about it and how they might as well have been brothers. I could call her for advice because she had "been through it 4 months ago", and we would joke around about how we both had the cutest babies in the world.
We don't get to do that, but I am thankful to have a sister as wonderful as her, she loves Clark with everything she has in her. I know she looks at Clark and wonders if Jackson would have done those things, but it doesn't make her angry or resentful, just curious. Like I said, she is wonderful and Clark is very lucky to have an Auntie like her.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

New Year, New Outlook?

Considering the year my family has had, I'm looking forward to this one ending so a new one can begin.
I've had the urge to start cleaning, and eventually start purging unwanted and unnecessary items. I don't fancy calling myself a "hoarder" because I'm not, I can part with items as they don't all hold significant value, but I do have a tendency to hold on to things for some stupid reason, and eventually I part with it . I have been going nuts in our new apartment though. Cleaning Boogs' room has almost been my release of anxiety when the rest of the house is trying to bring me to tears. I can clean his room, and tidy, while he plays without fear of him bringing something else into his room to clutter it up.
We just recently bought him a book case to house all the books he has received for Christmas (thank you everyone for not bogging me down with too many toys, although the ones he did receive were greatly appreciated). Since we set it up the other night I have been organizing, and re-organizing his shelves (because it doesn't matter where I put the books, he will pull them all off). I have had some "bracing myself for tears" moments as I dismantled his jumperoo, swing and bouncy chair because I've realized that A) He is no longer small enough to fit in them, and B) It's 3 less places I can put him. Then I came to the moment of "where the hell will I put all this stuff?". We bought some rubbermaid bins, and that took care of the swing and bouncy chair, but there was no room for the jumperoo. I had a lightbulb go off, and it took me 2 nights, but I finally emptied a spare rubbermaid bin and fit the jumperoo in it. Now I'm itching to have another baby now just so I can set it all back up because I miss hearing the sounds from all of them.
The garage was a whole other challenge. There are boxes and boxes of things that we haven't opened, or we've just stacked upon each other, and I started tackling them, and let me just say that - 3 bins full of fabric -I need to whittle those down before I can start buying stuff, clothing or fabric otherwise. I'm hoping that maybe this cleaning kick will keep me occupied for a while, and I can start purging stuff that I no longer feel "attached" to or that I was sent to Dallas with. I feel that sometimes guilt or something other feeling would be laid on me if I didn't take items, but now that I'm here, i can gladly donate things without fear of a guilt trip.
So here is to a new outlook in 2011, hoping that things turn around for everyone, and maybe I can get rid of the old, make room for the new, while keeping important things close to my heart.