Friday, April 23, 2010

talking helps

I went to talk to a counsellor today, after the session she commented that she thinks I am doing really well, and just said " you don't need to book another appointment unless you want to talk about other things".
That made me feel ok, she seems to think I am handling the situation as best I can, and I guess that makes me feel better.
She did bring up some interesting points, she mentioned that my mother really does need to grieve for Jackson in her own way, but she said that in no way is she allowed to make me feel guilty for moving to Texas. One grief cannot be crossed over into the other, and if it starts to happen I have to "tell her gently" that they cannot be transferred into making me feel guilty.
So, I was in the wrong for telling my mother to talk to a counsellor to deal with her feelings, but I am allowed to tell her that she can't make me feel guilty for leaving.
There you have it, I'm not always right, but I am certainly not in the wrong with not wanting people to lay a guilt trip on me when it comes time for Clark and I to move.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I think about you all the time

I thought about my sister a lot yesterday. She went to a babyloss group to talk to others who have experienced what she is going through. I was in the shower when I started crying, I usually find my mind wandering off while I'm in there, thinking about what my sister went through. Sometimes it's so hard to comprehend what has happened, not so much "why my family", but just "why" in general. Why does that have to happen to babies or children at all. A parent losing a child is hard, and I never understood why it has to happen. It doesn't matter the age of the child, I've had customers that broke down in front of me when they lost their 30,40,50 + year old child.
I remember a time when I would read the newspaper and see a baby or a young child or and I would think to myself "Oh that poor family, I can't imagine what they are feeling right now". Now I am experiencing this first hand, seeing Jacksons obituary made it that more real, and that much more sad.
I still don't understand why this happened, and I can't imagine what my sister is feeling or how she is handling it, I look at Clark and I think to myself "I can't imagine how Lindsay is feeling, because if I lost you, I wouldn't know how to deal with this". I sometimes watch him while he sleeps and I worry, and I fret, most new parents do this, but I feel that I might be a bit more anxious because of what happened to Jackson. It's all still unknown for this time being, and my hubby tells me not to worry, but I can't help this.

I wish there was some way to understand this, but there is nothing to understand, what happened just sucks, f*cking sucks.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

not really sure how to feel

If I was crying every day on a constant basis, I would be told "You should be going to therapy, you need someone to talk to".
When I advised someone today that they should try therapy, they told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and that they are "dealing with this in their own way".
So am I to be told that, if it was ME that was doing this, I need to go to talk to someone, but cannot suggest it to someone else? You can't use post-partum depression as an excuse for me, if you want me to seek help, then you can do the same.
I was quite upset, and it really ruined my day. I had just woken up from a nap, a nap in which I had a dream, that I somehow magically brought Jackson back to life. I was already upset about this dream, because no matter how hard I dream this dream, I can't bring him back. I am then forced to deal with someone who is telling me "I am dealing with this in their own way, no therapist understands how I feel" etc etc. I suggested going to a support group to talk to other people who have been through this, and was then told that I didn't know what I was talking about.
The kicker was when they said "Well maybe Lindsay should get a gold star then for going to therapy". I said "yes she should, she lost her son, and she is talking to other people about it to help her heal.".
Then I got hit with the guilt trip, "how am I supposed to deal with this, I am going to lose you and Clark in a month".
Sorry, I didn't realize that once I leave Canada I'm gone forever. As if I'm not sad enough to leave you have to remind me how much I'm hurting you and everyone in the family. I have to leave my parents, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, neices, nephews and my grandma. I am leaving it all behind, and you are making it harder for me by making me feeling guilty.
I had some back-up on my side, but that was no use in this case. My father did remind my mother than my Grandma not so long ago left her family in England behind and started a family. This was back in the 50's, things have changed since then, but according to my mother, it hasn't.
I wish I could make her understand that this wasn't the way I planned to have my life go, but this is just the way it went.
So after this my sister is left to deal with a phone message from my mom, and in return I am left to feel like crap because in return Lindsay wants my mom to deal with this in 'her own way'.
I know this is my sisters new credo, but she is being so strong and handling Jacksons death better than most people could. Not only is she dealing with this in her own way, but she has people to talk to about it. I want my mom to have people to talk to, I am dealing with a new baby, and the death of my nephew, my emotions are already at a breaking point, I don't know how much more I can handle of this.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

time flies and changes things

The last time I posted was in June of 2009, things have changed, quite a bit!!! I realize at the time I posted I didn't know I was preggers, but hey, I was!!!
Nine months has since passed and I have my beautiful baby boy now.
But all is not well.
During that time my sister had her son in November, and he was beautiful, and awesome, and everything she ever wanted in a son. He wasn't my first nephew, but he was still just as special as if he were my first nephew. He had beautiful red hair, and beautiful blue eyes, and the first time I ever held him in my arms I cried, I loved him so much. I enjoyed being pregnant, and was so excited that my sister and I were going to have our babies only be 4 months apart.
Skip to February 2010 and tragedy struck. I remember it so freshly, because I think about it everyday. My sister had informed us the night before that they had to take Jackson to the hospital because he had been throwing up the night before, when he had been X-rayed they told her that his heart seemed larger, so they took him via Ambulance to a bigger hospital to help him.
I spent that whole night crying, and worrying, despite everyone telling me it was ok. I even contemplated calling my sister who was a nurse practioner to call my sister to get the low down and see what was going on.
When I called my sister the next morning to check on my nephew she said he was fine, just a little fussy, but nothing to worry about. I still cried, and fretted and worried, the hospital wasn't giving her answers fast enough.
That night, was the worst night of our lives, it was the last night of the Olympics, and we sat down to watch the hockey game, then we got the call.
"Jackson is moving to critical care, Lindsay really needs you here, please come". We all jumped up and ran around trying to get everything together as fast as we could.
The whole time, I was near tears, my sister who is the nurse called my other sister, then called us, and told us to stay calm "critical care" only meant that Jackson would be with a nurse 24/7 to watch him.
I only wish we had left sooner, or driven faster. I called my sister Lindsay to see what was going on and all she told me was "I can't tell you right now, just drive to get here, and DON'T STOP". At that point, I was shaking, and ready to cry, and so angry when my dad and husband stopped to go to the bathroom. We were only a half hour away, I wanted to yell at them to "hold their pee" I was preggers still and I would rather have peed my pants than stopped.
When we got to the hospital, I knew something wasn't right, and I didn't want it to be my worst fear, but it was.
When my sister looked me in the eyes, she confirmed what I had feared all along "Jackson is gone".
My response was "I want to see him". I held him, and I cried and I kissed him, I didn't want to believe that he was gone, but I knew I had to. I had people telling me to calm down because I was crying so hard, but what did they really know? I just wanted Jackson to open his eyes again, and have his life back, if my tears could have brought him back I would have cried for the rest of my life.
I cried all week during his funeral, and while I don't have tears every day I still think about him every hour of every day.
My contractions started the day after Jacksons funeral, and slowly, they increased, until by sunday, I had delivered my son. A week after I lost my nephew, I had my own beautiful baby boy to hold.
It didn't seem fair that my sister had only lost Jackson a week prior, why should she not have her son as well? For that matter, why does anyone have to lose their babies? I know that there is a reason and a purpose for everything, but what is the reasoning for this?

So now this is where my family stands, my sister is being so strong, and she holds my son and while she does tear up sometimes, she enjoys her time with him. I know she thinks about Jackson when she holds him, that's what hurts me.
She is holding the nephew she was waiting to meet for 9 months, but I am missing the nephew that had a cousin I wanted him to meet for 9 months.

Everyone was robbed in my family;
My son was robbed of meeting his cousin.
My neices and nephews are robbed of growing up with their cousin.
We as Aunts and Uncles are robbed of seeing a nephew grow older
Grandparents are robbed of a grandchild they had so much hope for
and My sister and her boyfriend are robbed of their beautiful boy and their parenthood.

While they will have more children in the future, there is always going to be that hole in their hearts that cannot be filled by just having another child. You see, just because you have another child, it does not replace the one you lost.
They are excellent parents, so loving and warm, everything a baby needs. I only hope they are not nervous to have more children in the future.

I hope my sister knows how much I love her, and I will always be here for her, even when I move to Texas, I will only be a phone call away. I wish I was staying in Canada, so I could only be a car ride away but that is not the path that life is leading me at the moment. I would like to move back to Canada eventually, after all that life had handed my family at the moment, I don't want to miss out on anymore time with any future babies that come into my family.