Bye -Bye 2010 (and good riddance)

I started out 2010 with so much to look forward to, new baby, moving to a different country, and getting away from my horrible boss.
All 3 of those things happened, but with all the positive comes negative I suppose....
Firstly, I started out by ringing in 2010 with my "date", aka my nephew Jackson. The year was looking promising and I was happen to be off work and going to visit my hubby for a few weeks before I came back to Canada to await the arrival of my son.
Everything was looking good, the Olympics were in Canada, so February had some good times as well.
That was until Feb 28th came around. A day I wish I could rewind and change everything. A day that lives in my memory everyday, and will until the day I die. I was a week away from the arrival of my son, but my sister was hours away from losing hers. I never would have expected something horrible to happen to anyone I knew (let alone my own family). I wouldn't WANT it to happen to anyone regardless if I knew them or not. Yet it happened, it was all a big blur, that drive to Belleville, 5 f***ing hours it took us to get there to be with her, when we arrived that's when we discovered what she wouldn't tell me on the phone during the car trip. Our beautiful Jackson had left us only an hour before.
I can't really go into great detail of how I felt, but saying that it felt like someone ripped my heart out was an understatement. Now all I could do was sit and cry, go to his funeral, all while my arms were aching to hold my own baby. Knowing that I had my own child on the way was the only reason I could keep going, because I HAD to. I had to eat, I had to sleep, continue on with my life because someone else needed me to take care of them soon. Knowing that I had joy coming into my life, while my sister had her child ripped away from her ate away at me. I felt angry, sad, and guilty about everything. My sister deserved a child more than anything. She loved him, took care of him and did everything a Mommy should do for her child. Seeing deadbeat parents still boils my blood to this day, they should have their kids taken away if they aren't going to be responsible.
March 7th came in such a blur, but yet I can remember it all so clearly. Contractions starting about 2 days prior (after the funeral), the Saturday night going into the hospital (I felt silly, like I shouldn't have been there, surely I wasn't in labour yet!) and by the next morning at 5:05am, I had my sweet baby. Holding him in my arms has never made me happier, he made it safely into this world, and now it was up to me to protect him from all the bad there is in the world.
2 months after Clarks arrival, we were ready for "the big move".
June 5th, was another devastating blow for me, but not as horrible as Feb 28th. My mom messages me to call her. I instantly feel my stomach drop and fear the worst, I was worried about my Sister, or her Boyfriend, or is it something to do with my Grandma? Thankfully it was none of those people, but it was something I loved dearly, taken away from me suddenly...again.
My beloved cat Bossy had been run over, I shed so many tears that day. I shed tears for the shitty year we were having, and guilty tears because I didn't bring Bossy down with me like I promised her I would. My mother did a nice job of having my cat cremated, and while some might find it a little bit crazy, I did keep my promise to her, and she now resides with me, just not in her bodily form. I miss her so much, and I would love to have a new cat, but right now just isn't the time for one. Besides, no cat will ever be as awesome as she was.
Now....
10 months on, and I still get teary at the mere thought of what Jackson might look like if he were here with us today. I want so badly for Clark and Jackson to interact with each other, play like cousins, climb on each other, fall on each other, bite one another and then both of them would cry for their mommies. My sister and I could laugh about it and how they might as well have been brothers. I could call her for advice because she had "been through it 4 months ago", and we would joke around about how we both had the cutest babies in the world.
We don't get to do that, but I am thankful to have a sister as wonderful as her, she loves Clark with everything she has in her. I know she looks at Clark and wonders if Jackson would have done those things, but it doesn't make her angry or resentful, just curious. Like I said, she is wonderful and Clark is very lucky to have an Auntie like her.

New Year, New Outlook?

Considering the year my family has had, I'm looking forward to this one ending so a new one can begin.
I've had the urge to start cleaning, and eventually start purging unwanted and unnecessary items. I don't fancy calling myself a "hoarder" because I'm not, I can part with items as they don't all hold significant value, but I do have a tendency to hold on to things for some stupid reason, and eventually I part with it . I have been going nuts in our new apartment though. Cleaning Boogs' room has almost been my release of anxiety when the rest of the house is trying to bring me to tears. I can clean his room, and tidy, while he plays without fear of him bringing something else into his room to clutter it up.
We just recently bought him a book case to house all the books he has received for Christmas (thank you everyone for not bogging me down with too many toys, although the ones he did receive were greatly appreciated). Since we set it up the other night I have been organizing, and re-organizing his shelves (because it doesn't matter where I put the books, he will pull them all off). I have had some "bracing myself for tears" moments as I dismantled his jumperoo, swing and bouncy chair because I've realized that A) He is no longer small enough to fit in them, and B) It's 3 less places I can put him. Then I came to the moment of "where the hell will I put all this stuff?". We bought some rubbermaid bins, and that took care of the swing and bouncy chair, but there was no room for the jumperoo. I had a lightbulb go off, and it took me 2 nights, but I finally emptied a spare rubbermaid bin and fit the jumperoo in it. Now I'm itching to have another baby now just so I can set it all back up because I miss hearing the sounds from all of them.
The garage was a whole other challenge. There are boxes and boxes of things that we haven't opened, or we've just stacked upon each other, and I started tackling them, and let me just say that - 3 bins full of fabric -I need to whittle those down before I can start buying stuff, clothing or fabric otherwise. I'm hoping that maybe this cleaning kick will keep me occupied for a while, and I can start purging stuff that I no longer feel "attached" to or that I was sent to Dallas with. I feel that sometimes guilt or something other feeling would be laid on me if I didn't take items, but now that I'm here, i can gladly donate things without fear of a guilt trip.
So here is to a new outlook in 2011, hoping that things turn around for everyone, and maybe I can get rid of the old, make room for the new, while keeping important things close to my heart.

Almost time for a visit home....

After surviving a 2nd Thanksgiving (seriously, how can you go wrong with 2 Thanksgivings, that's twice the turkey!), I have a visit home to look forward to!
I'm hoping to get visits in with every one of my friends, as well as I can't wait to see my family!
They might be amazed at the progress that Boogs has made in the last 2 months. Shortly after our last visit he started moving forward, now he crawls full tilt, pulls himself up on everything and has 4 teeth (with more coming in). I will be so excited to showcase him to everyone, because really, he is now the star attraction, not me :). It will also give me some time to unwind before the holidays get hectic. I won't be able to spend Christmas with my family this year (which is hard, because this will be my first Christmas away from them).
I'm so excited to see my sister, we are going to go Wedding Dress shopping, this will just be a trial run, but I told her that I was sad that I won't get to be there when she finds "the dress". She'll be doing a lot of wedding planning without me there, I'm sure we will share a lot of phone calls/texts about how frustrating it all is, and how "Vegas would have been the better option". At the end of the day though, I can't wait until the day she gets married, her and I never were the "dreaming of the day we get married" type girls, we never really talked about our dream Weddings, and when push came to shove, I took the easy way out and went to Vegas. Either way, I am looking forward to the end of 2010, this year has had so many highs and lows, I have hope that 2011 will bring a lot of joy to my family. I will see all my canucks in a few days, I can't wait to see all of you, and have some delicious Tim Hortons.....

Happy Birthday Jackson

Except that it's not happy, because you aren't here with us, and it sucks.
I never thought in a million years that you would not be here for your 1st birthday, because really, why would anyone think that you wouldn't be?
I have such a heavy heart whenever I think about you and how you left us too soon, and the thought of your sweet little face not being with us on this earth anymore brings me to tears.
I often think "everyone else has their nephews, why don't I have mine". If I knew that Clark would grow up happy and healthy with just one parent, I would gladly trade my life to have you back with us on earth. You made your Mommy and Daddy so happy, when you left, so many things changed. I look at your pictures on a daily basis, and think to myself "why did this have to happen to you, why does this have to happen to anyone?". Every big occasion we've had without you has been filled with mixed emotions, we are all together, trying to act happy knowing that deep down you are missing.
It rained all day today, just down poured, I think it was just a reminder that today isn't a happy day, it never will be anymore. We had one good November 2, and that was in 2009 when you were born Jackson. Now that you are gone, it's a day of remembrance, we remember that we were happy once, that was when you were here on earth.
I miss you so much my little buddy, I send you my love everyday and I appreciate when you come to me in my dreams.

Love you forever
Auntie Lisa

7 months, wow!

Now I am a few days late on this post (11 to be exact), but C is now 7 months old, I am constantly amazed by how much children learn and do each month, they have a little help from the people around them, but for the most part they start teaching themselves things. When I started doing tummy time with C he would scream and freak out, then around the 4-5 month mark, he was rolly polly tummy to back, back to tummy, without any trouble.
Around the 6 month mark he was able to have someone sit him up, and push himself back, he would get up on his hands and knees, but no forward motion.
After our trip to Canada, he did a quick forward motion towards my sister, which was his first successful launch. Then I sat on the ground and coaxed him to come forward towards me, now he is up, and going forward, and can get himself up to sitting position. As for the teeth, he is finally getting a tooth, he has been cutting these teeth for some time now, I can't wait to see that 1 tooth smile, for now he bites and I can feel it, but it's not out yet.
Here's to hoping it comes soon, because these 2 am wake ups aren't the best, but I don't mind.

life changes....

So I was thinking to myself recently "wow, it's been 5 years since I was left alone in Ireland by those girls who were supposed to be my friends". I firstly can't believe 5 years have gone by this quickly. When it all first happened, I felt like my life was over, and I was hoping I could regain their trust and their friendship and they would forgive me for a mistake I made.
Little did I know that 5 years later, my life was a lot better off without them. When everything went down, I felt sad, angry, awful and didn't know what I would do without these "friends" in my life. I wanted so badly to reverse everything that I did just to have them back in my life. I started to realize afterwards that no matter how bad what I did was though, that they had no right to leave me alone in Ireland the way they did.
Here is why I am happy by the actions that they took.
I learned that being by myself isn't always that bad. While I was ditched in Ireland, I met an awesome girl named Amanda, we made a friendship, and we keep in touch. We haven't hung out since then, but she lives in California, so who knows, maybe someday? I re-established a solid friendship with my friend Karen. We started hanging out more, and she (as well as her sister) became some of my best friends. I've gotten to see their relationships flourish, as well as be a part in big events in their lives.
I traveled to Europe more often on my own after that. I made an awesome friend from South Africa who I traveled with back to Ireland, and someday maybe I will be able to visit her in South Africa.
Then here is the big one, I managed to meet my husband while on one of my overseas trip.
Had I still been friends with them, I may have never taken that trip to Oktoberfest, I may have never met him in that Hostel in London and my life would not be what it is today.
So maybe I should thank them for treating me as badly as they did on that trip.
So here it goes....Thanks to you 3 ladies I now have;
Friendships with so many amazing people, and I worked at it, I know not to abuse the friendship, and I truly care for all of the friends I have.
I have a husband who I love, and may have not met had it not been for you.
And last but not least, I have a wonderful son, I wouldn't have him had things been different, so I wouldn't change what I did for anything in the world.
If we had all stayed friends, I may not have all of these things, so thank you for giving up on me the way you did, because I learned a big lesson from this, and now I have so much more to be thankful for.

hoooooooot

Lately, I've been finding myself becoming more fascinated with Owls.
My sister and I bought pyjamas from Target that had Owls all over the pants, and since then I think I've become a bit obsessed.
I bought C several outfits with Owls on them, because they don't make a lot of stuff in my size. I've even considered that maybe our next baby will get the Owl treatment (It's a toss up between Owls or Elephants)
I thought to myself I would look up the symbolism of them. Some websites said they were a "messenger, bringer of wisdom and clairvoyance".
I know that my sister was woken up out of sleep one night by the hooting of an Owl. This was shortly after Jackson died, when she researched it she came across the symbolism of them. It's like it was a sign was being given to her and her boyfriend from Jackson.
I guess I've just always thought they were beautiful animals. I even did a speech on them when I was in grade 4.

Random Laughter

Every so often I find myself doing silly things I wouldn't normally do, mostly because I know it will make C laugh, and the laughter of a child is probably the one thing that can make me smile even if I'm not in the mood to do so.
The other night, he was refusing to go to bed, and he screamed and screamed, and then suddenly he stopped, and looked at me, so I started singing him "Old McDonald had a farm". The kid lost his mind, it was suddenly the funniest thing going on in the room.
I realize that I DO have to put him to sleep, but if I find my chance to make him laugh, I will do it. Today I was playing a game on my phone, and C was rolling around on the floor, getting frustrated with the whole "crawling" shenanigans, then I heard him giggling again, when I looked up this time, he had his mirror on the floor and thought that his reflection was the funniest thing going on in the room.
I realized that I need to have my video camera on me at all times. These moments of laughter are sometimes fleeting, and are usually followed by screaming fits if he's especially tired. I get them in while I can, because sometimes mommy can't make him laugh like daddy can. I'll take what I can get.

....sometimes when it's late at night, and I drift off to sleep, I think of his sad crying face, and I laugh, because no matter what he's doing, happy, sad, angry, tired, he makes me laugh, and I know how lucky I am to have him.

Missing Out

Living here I've begun to realize something, but then again I've always know it. I'm missing out on so much at home.
I saw pictures of my friends 1st birthday party for her son, and I saw all of my friends in the pictures and thought to myself "I wish I was there, I missed out on seeing him turn 1". I won't get to be there when my friends start having kids, and when new nieces or nephews start coming into this world.
It really really sucks. I have friends down here with kids, but it's not quite the same thing. I didn't make these friends on my own, I got them through my husband, so I don't feel like I quite "earned" them the way I normally would with other friends.
the end

stinging eyes

It never fails, my friends post videos every day, but once in a while they post the same video, and it's always for the Bob Marley song - "Three Little Birds". I have a hard time not clicking on it, because I am reminded instantly of Jackson when I hear it. I don't seek it out by myself, because it's too hard to hear it and I don't want to do that to myself, but when someone else posts it, I feel like it's ok, maybe today is the day I'm supposed to hear it.
Today, I couldn't do it, it was an adorable looking video, but I had to stop because it looked like happy little animal parents with their animal babies, so I shut it off.
I did send it to my sister. Not to hurt her, or make her sad, but so she could see it if she wanted to, or was ready to.
When I'm ready to, I will watch it, Linds, I hope it didn't make you sad that I sent it.
Love you.

6 months!

Today Booger bear turned 6 months old, I had a "holy crap" kind of moment. I realized that I pushed him out 6 months ago, and time really has flown by. I remember holding him in my arms and thinking "oh you're so small, and you need me so much, I wonder how much you'll change." Well he still needs me, but, small? not so Much. When he was born he was 8lbs 2 ounces, and now he is a whopping 21 pounds 2 ounces. He is rolling around like a mad man, and as for his hatred of tummy time, that's gone too. I frequently find him sleeping on his tummy, or rolling onto it to look at the world from another angle.
He has ticklish spots under his arms and on his back, and standing (with our help) is his favourite hobby. He freaks out slightly if he is having a good time standing and I have to set him down to go do something. He naps in his crib finally, and I don't take as many mommy naps with him, I can also start giving him solid food now, YAY!!!! I've been waiting for 6 long months to finally give him something new, and now I'm having a hard time deciding what it should be.
He got his shots today, I think Andy and I were a little bit more upset then he was, but he still shed quite a few tears to make us feel bad. The rest of the day we spent hanging out, playing, and just trying to keep him from losing his mind if he felt any pain from his legs.
Now I'm looking forward to next month, because I get to fly home and visit with my family and friends (I miss all of you guys!). See you all soon.




And, as I always do, I choked back tears today when I realized that I've gotten to see my son do so much in such a short time, and I know that someone I love very very much doesn't get to do that, and it isn't fair, and it sucks. I know the answer will come, and we will know what took him from us, but that doesn't ever make me feel better and it won't change the fact that he's not with us anymore. Miss you Jackson.

Holy Craft!

I have successfully been able to craft something. I had a wedding yesterday that we attended, and after going to the mall, and seeing nothing that I would actually wear to a wedding (let alone want to pay for) I decided that, if my husband would let me, I would just sew a dress. It took about a week to do, on and off with working out, watching baby, between his sleeping and then getting myself to bed, I finished it!
It a 100% brag worthy dress, but it made me happy that I finally got it accomplished.
I also learned that Booger Bear will take a nap in his crib. Sometimes it's an hour, sometimes it's a half hour, but he will let me lay him down. I was so happy to learn this, and felt that I accomplished something else that week. So maybe, just maybe when the weather is nicer (aka cools off), we can set up a "sweat shop" as my hubby calls it, in the garage, and I can craft after hours.

UTIs' for everyone!

Let me just say that I woke up this morning, and was ready to beat someone up, mostly whoever was making me feel like crap.
I have never had a UTI, or a Bladder infection, and after getting baby C's UTI all cleared up, I understand exactly why he screamed his head off when he was wetting his diaper.
I hate being sick, and rarely get sick. In fact the last time I was sick was with kidney stones when I was preggers with booger bear. So today when I went to the doctor and I explained my symptoms she told me it was exactly what I thought it was, and prescribed me medications.
What I hated was having to fill out all of the insurance forms. Say what you want about Canadian health care, but it was always there for me when I needed it, and I wait the same amount of time here as I did there. I don't see the difference, oh right, I have insurance here, if I didn't, I might not be as lucky with service as I am. Ontario, it didn't matter how much money you had to throw at people, you waited just like everyone else. To some people it sucks (mostly the rich who don't want to have to wait with us common folk).
I had a bit of a meltdown once I got home, my hubby dropped off my prescription, but not without some snarky attitude, he did change his tune once he saw the tears falling from my eyes.
I told him that "I'm sorry I'm sick, it's not something I planned on". I don't think he realizes that I am a sensitive personality and cry at the drop of a hat.
So for the next few days, or until the meds kick in, I will be in a bad mood, and hopefully won't take it out on anyone, if I do, I apologize now.


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We decided to go out for dinner tonight and on the way home on the radio, I heard Puff Daddys "I'll be missing you", I was waiting for Andy to come back to the car, and we had the sunroof open, as I looked up I saw three birds fly by. It made me think of you Lindsay, and your 3 little birds.

5 months

C is 5 months old today, and officially cutting at least 2 teeth from what I have seen. He is so miserable, I wish I could take the teething pain for him, but instead I'm dealing with a dull ache in my left shoulder that is making me want to vomit a little bit.
The last time I had an ache like this is around the time C was 2 months old, it's really frustrating, but I can get him calm, but then the shoulder starts to bother me, and I have to shift him a little bit, and that makes him angry. I just want it to stop so I can focus on keeping C calm from the teething pain. He also ran a fever today, and vomited quite a bit this morning. The vomit always scares me, because you never know what it means. Did i over feed him? Is he sick? Was it because his diaper was poopy and I should have changed it first before feeding him? All very valid questions. Now I am going to be eyeing on him and making sure he's feverish because of the teeth and not because he's sick.
I might seem to some people like I'm over reacting, but because of Jacksons death, I am going to over react and be protective of him.
Speaking of Jackson, it's been a little over 5 long months since he's been gone. It's such a short time, but it seems like a life time ago since I last saw him. Saw his beautiful blue eyes, and heard him cooing. Now I have my own little guy, with his own little blue eyes, and he is giggling and I think to myself "why can't we have Jackson too". There are too many babies taken in the world too soon, and he was one of them. I want nothing more than my sister to be able to take happiness in the fact that both of our children are growing up and doing all the things they should be doing. Instead she wants to be happy for me, but it's hard for her to watch videos of C, knowing that Jackson was so close to that point, but he never got the chance to do what he's doing. I sometimes find myself in mid sob, because I realize how much I miss him, and how long it has been.
I miss you buddy XOXO.

crafty crafterson

The last time I sewed clothing for myself was before baby C was born. The last time I sewed anything was a diaper bag (I made one for me, my friend, my mom, my hubby, and my sister), again, all before baby C was born.
I'm just itching to sew something again, it's getting to a breaking point. I've become obsessed with "where can I put this sewing machine, how can I entertain the baby while I sew, maybe I can get the garage cleaned out so I can set up my cutting table". I would love to be able to get around to sewing soon, but I'm not sure if I can. I've started doing P90X, and if I can get a workout in early enough then I just have to worry about getting the baby to bed. By the end of the day though I'm usually so exhausted I just can't even focus enough to sew.
I'm hoping that someday soon, I can multitask, then I can finally get my itchy hands on some fabric to create something.
Until then, I creep on some crafting blogs, peruse craftster.org, save some of my favourites, and dream of the day that I can maybe, just maybe, sew something ;).

sloppy wet kisses and teething time

So my sugar booger has come to an interesting stage in his baby-hood, he is starting to cut teeth. We've been saying for about 2 months that all his excessive drool must mean he's getting teeth, but we never saw any. Today when he was in the tub, I put my finger in his mouth to pry it open, and I saw a little white fleck in his mouth, when he chomped down on the finger I was for sure feeling the beginnings of a tooth.
I made up a little song about his upcoming tooth and sang it to him, he cried. I don't think he liked the song, or my singing of it, but I was too excited that he was getting his first tooth. Now I finally understand why he has been waking up at 2am, or 5am, crying, eating a little and going back to sleep. I put a wet cloth in the fridge for him, so tomorrow if he starts fussing I will hand it over and see if it does the trick for him.
Another thing he has been doing is grabbing my cheek (or daddies cheek) and putting his mouth over it. I have interpreted this as him giving us big drooley kisses and I love it. Some people might not see these as kisses but rather as him searching for food, but he does this before and after feedings, so I would like to think in my own little head that he is giving back the kisses we always give him.
I figure I might as well get in all the baby kisses I can now before he is old enough to say "mom can you go stand over there so my friends don't see you".

Finally...

It seems like being stuck at home all day, I don't have much to talk about, and can't do much with Andy being in the house.
He has been working at an office for the last 3 days and it's been kinda nice, his sister came to visit, so I've gotten out of the house, and then today after she left I was able to put Sugar Booger down for a nap (in the chair of course) which left me time to work out! I never get to work out during the day, and I must say, it is much more convenient if he's napping, with no threat of waking up and having to be rocked back to sleep (because I can distract him for a bit in a chair while I finish my stuff).
When Andy is home I'm usually confined to the 2 upstairs rooms while he's on a conference call, and let me say, it sucks.
He says "well you can go out, to *the mall* or *target* or *something else*" but after a while that loses it's lustre as well. Besides that we are trying to save money so we actually can buy stuff we will need (diapers, baby clothes etc). I need to look into mommy groups to go to during the day, or something fun, but sometimes I just want to sit at home and maybe watch tv, or take a nap in a chair that I find comfy. Really hard to do when your hubby is working less that 5 feet away from you.
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Another Finally I've been able to do is - have a no holds barred conversation about Jackson.
When I'm at parties and Andy isn't near by, some of the girls will ask me how my sister is doing, and they will ask me about Jackson. His sister was the same way, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted, when I want to talk about him I could, and I could talk about how much I miss him, I can tell that Andy gets uncomfortable when I get emotional and he just wants to stop the crying and make me feel better.
Sometimes, it's something I need to talk about. I can't talk about once and then say "ok, i'm done, I don't need to talk about him anymore". It's an ongoing thing, and even though he was only with us for 4 short months, and the stories are always going to be the same, I like to think about him, even when it makes me sad. I keep his memory alive by keeping his pictures on the fireplace so I can see his sweet little face everyday. I know he's not with us anymore, but I need to see that face to reassure me that "yes, he was here once, left a footprint and took a piece of his Auntie Lisas' heart when he left". I don't want people to think I'm obsessively thinking about him 24/7, but because I don't have a spouse who wants to talk about it from time to time, it all comes out on my blog. When I can talk about him to friend it comes as a relief because I have my say, share memories and then I can continue on without feeling repressed.

Sorry for my mini rant, but sometimes it all gets a little jumbled around here, and when I have a free moment I feel like I have to write it all down before it becomes verbal diarrhea or a passive aggressive rant that gets directed at the wrong person.

Nap Time

I'm currently trying to break Clark of the bad habit that he and I have of taking naps together, I just got so used to laying back in the Lazy Boy with him, it became our "thing".
Now I'm realizing with my husband working from home, in the living room, and the phone constantly ringing, that we don't always have that luxury of mommy and Clark naps.
Now I'm listening to him scream, and I mean SCREAM his head off in the other room as I'm trying to get him to nap in his crib.
Don't get me wrong, he is a great sleeper at night on his own, we can lay him down at 8pm at he will sleep until almost 7am, but the second I lay him down for a nap, the screams start.
I have got him down a few times for a nap in his crib, if you can call a half hour a nap. Other than that, he won't do it.
I've layed him down in the lazy-boy before, and under my watchful eye, he slept in that thing for 3 hours, but again, Daddy works from home now, so he doesn't seem to stay asleep there either anymore.
I feel bad that the neighbours might be hearing these screams (but then again, I don't feel THAT bad, after the door kicking incident, plus, they are getting evicted, so I can't feel too sorry for them).
I don't have a hard time hearing the cries at first, but then it starts to chip away at my heart and I rush to go get him.
I just wonder, will he ever take a nap?
I suppose on child #2 I will be a lot more willing to lay them down come nap time, because I am now seeing the problems it has caused for both Clark and I.
I know this is every mothers least favourite activity, the good old "cry it out" method. I just wonder how many of them stay strong enough to not rush right into the room?

Clark is 4 months!

It happened on July 7th, just like any normal day, I woke up and boom, he was 4 months old!
There was no spectacular fireworks show for him, but it still meant a lot to me.
The past week I'd been terrified, and slept in Clarks room, our neighbour had their door kicked in, and I was frightened to leave him.
I now know that the neighbours are being evicted, and that the door kicking was possibly "domestic", it helped me sleep a bit better at night, but I would still like an alarm system.
Now my silly little monkey moves around so much at night that I lay him one way in the crib and in the morning he is always turned the other way, he has even gotten into the habit of kicking his legs at night and turning on his crib mobile (or whatever it is that makes lights and sounds). It makes me laugh everytime he does it, and sometimes if he's fussing it helps put him back to sleep, so congratulations bud, you just self soothed yourself ;).
He chews on his giraffe like it's going out of style and he is borderline giggling, I can't wait for the giggle show to start, that will be awesome.

But, if I'm going to be honest here, I will say this, when Clark turned 4 months, my thoughts were "Jackson never got to make it to 4 months" and "Jackson would be 8 months old now".
So I guess that's where I'm at, there is nothing wrong with being joyful about Clark turning 4 months, and there is nothing wrong with mourning the loss of Jackson who isn't with us anymore.

O'Canada

I'm sitting here, it's Canada Day, and I'm in Texas. I guess I never knew how upset it would make me to not be there. I called my Mom to wish her a happy Canada Day, and when she told me she was drinking Tim Hortons, I almost cried.
I'm not sure what set it off, but I am really, truly homesick. I hope this feeling passes, because I don't want to get more upset as the days go by.
Like when I went to get groceries today, my husband asked me to go get lunch meat, and when I went to get some from the deli counter, I walked past it and picked up some pre-packaged ham. Why you ask? Because I don't understand their conversion system and I didn't want to order too much meat.
I left my GPS system in Kilometres as well. I never had a good grasp on the metric system, but I can understand when it tells me how many metres I have left vs. saying 3/4 of a mile.
I don't understand temperature, so when someone says " it's 100 F outside" all I know is "it's hot".
It goes the other way too, I told the doctors that Clarks temperature was 37 C, and they looked at me like I had 7 heads.
Seriously, I thought the someone of a medical profession might actually know, but I guess not. Now I use the ear thermometer on Clark, if it makes a happy face I know his temp is good, if it makes a sad face, then I know it's bad.
Oh Lord help me understand their strange measurements!
So, it looks like it's a Canada Day spent in a country other than Canada, I believe this is a first for me (well maybe a second, I think we were in England one year). Andy is promising to make me a Hamburger and fries, because really...it's summer in Canada, that's what outdoor cooking is alllllll about :).

Clark

I know I don't post much about him on here, does that make me a bad mommy? I hope not, I just usually need to write down how I'm feeling about certain things at a certain time, and the rest of my day is spent with him.
I guess this post is about him isn't it?
I have to say, that he is an awesome baby and I love him more than anything and would do anything to protect him.
He is named after Clark Gable, not Clark Kent, like everyone thinks, I was watching TMZ when they mentioned Clark Gable III, and I thought to myself, "Clark is a fantastic name". I put it on my list, and forgot about it for a little while. When we found out we were indeed having a boy, I went back to my list, saw the name Clark again, and said to myself "This name is not in the top 100, and it's a great name to grow up with". Andy agreed, and so we kept it a secret (except for a select few people) until the day he was born.
If I'm feeling sad or upset about something, I know I can count on his toothless smile to melt my heart.
He was an unexpected gift, but he was someone I looked forward to meeting, although I was terrified that I would be bad at mothering a child. Everyday I can't wait to see what new sound he will make, and I am lucky to be able to have a year off with him, just figuring him out, and getting to know how to calm him down.
I'm so proud of him when people tell me how strong he is, and I get a kick out of the people who tell me that he is so beautiful (and they always tell me that they mean it when they say it to me).
From the moment he was born, he made me tear up, he has the nicest eyelashes, and I adore his cute little nose. He looks just like his daddy (according to everyone), but so far, he still has my blue eyes. I enjoy breastfeeding him, especially when he makes it "goofy time" and starts looking at me and smiling and talking. Then I have to tell him "hasn't anyone ever told you not to speak with your mouth full"....that makes him smile more. His sleep suckling cracks me up every time, and the pouty bottom lip lets me know that "this isn't a serious crying session...yet".
His farting and burping abilities amaze me, and I can honestly say, they make me proud the louder they are (probably not so much when he's a teenager though).
He crys when he has to roll over from Belly to Back, and he is currently rolling side to side, but not yet back to belly.
I have purchased the Angel Care Monitor specifically for this instance and I am now terrified of when he might learn to roll over.
I wish I could snuggle him all the time, and I feel guilty if I leave him to cry for too long.
I try to make sure I tell him everyday that I love him, and hope he knows how much he means to me.
I make sure I cherish every moment with him, and have learned that I have to put him first, everything else can wait, he is my number 1 commitment, and I don't mind serving this life sentence.

So Clark, from your mommy, I want you to know I love you very much, and I hope someday, you love me enough to put me up in a good nursing home.

signs signs, everywhere are signs....

I don't normally believe in "getting signs" from people beyond the grave, but then I read somewhere that whenever you have a dream about someone who has passed on, they are trying to tell you that they are ok.
I do have them from time to time. When my grandpa Jackson passed away, i had a dream about him shortly after, he was still alive in my dream, but we were at the funeral home. I remember the way he blinked, and his hands, and the way he talked. I woke up sad, remembering that he was gone. When I look back, I was so young, maybe I didn't understand, he was trying to tell me he was ok, and I shouldn't be sad.
Later on in life, my grandma Jackson passed away, and we lost our cat Buddy. They also came to me in dreams, together. My grandma always used to come over for Christmas to open gifts, and Buddy would stroll over to her, and she would say to him "what a good pussy cat". I remembered her voice saying that so often after she died. It was no surprise they came to me in a dream together, she is probably watching over Bossy now too. By this age, I had come to know that visits from people in my dreams meant that they were there to tell me they were ok. I don't know if there was ever any other messages I didn't pick up on, but I knew that meant they were watching over me.

After Jackson died, I had a nightmare, it was supposed to be a dream, but to me it was a nightmare. Jackson was still alive, but in my dream, I couldn't comprehend it, as I knew in real life he has passed away. I woke up upset and angry. Who would send me a dream like that? It's a horrible trick to think that he was still with us when he was not.
A few weeks ago, I had another dream. This one might have been my "sign" that everything was ok. In the dream, I was holding Clark, and I heard the song "Three Little birds" by Bob Marley playing. That was the song Lindsay used to sing to Jackson for his lullabyes. In my dream, I was looking for Jackson, but he wasn't there, and I knew he was gone, but I looked at Clark and said "do you hear that, it's Jacksons song, he's playing it for us". Anyone that has heard that song knows it's an uplifting song, so maybe this was his way of telling me "I'm ok Auntie Lisa".
I was unpacking dishes at my new apartment the other day, and as my mind often wanders, it went to thoughts about Jackson. I got to the dishes that Andy had wrapped up with pieces from the telephone book (imagine that....), I just threw them papers to the side, thinking nothing of them, then I decided to look at one of the pages, just to see the names on them....lo and behold...in big bold letters JACKSON. He must have known I was missing him, because, out of all the names on all of the papers in that box, I pulled out his.
I wish I could thank him for all the happiness he had brought my family in the short 4 months he was with our family, but I guess I can just be thankful for the signs that he sends me when I am missing him the most.

It's like everyday is the 28th....

This past June 19th one of my good friends got married, it was so exciting to be there, and I was in the wedding party, which was quite an honour, because you don't just add people to the wedding party "for fun".
She looked beautiful, and I was so teary eyed as she walked down the aisle, seeing her hubby tear up you just knew that they are "that couple". That couple that you would also like to be, so in love after 7 years together, and they have a beautiful son together and you just know that, in 50 years time, they will be celebrating their anniversary.
Like everyday though, I wake up, and take pleasure in my smiling son, all the while in the back of my mind is Jackson. I'm always good at keeping my emotions in tact and try to keep myself from crying while in public, but my friends wedding day was the exception. Emotions are already on high on a day like this, after they finished her hair, she looked beautiful and I was so excited for her. I had sat down in the chair to get my hair done and listening to the radio, I thought to myself "please don't play any songs that will remind me of Jackson". Little did I know, that radio station would do just that.
I was sitting there when I heard "I will remember you.............will you remember me............don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories" I kept my cool for about 3 seconds when the pictures from Jacksons memorial started going through my mind and I started tearing up. Alas, the hair dresser asked if I was ok, and I started crying. How do I explain to a complete stranger that my nephew died and I miss him.
they turned the radio off for me until the song was over, but I just wished that song hadn't even been played. I felt terrible, I felt bad for crying and drawing attention to myself.
I felt bad for crying on my friends wedding day, but mostly, I felt bad because I cried and I know that Jackson isn't with us anymore and becomes a little more real and a lot more sad as the days go by.

Feb 28 2010 is a date that is forever in my mind, and never as a happy memory, I just wish I could be warned when I might have "an episode", that way I could stay indoors and cry without the worry concering random people.

Lullabyes shouldn't make you cry

Yet, today, I was searching for lullabies to sing to Clark, because frankly, Frere Jacque and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star get boring after a while.
I came across this one, It's an Irish lullaby, I may try to sing it to him, but not when anyone else is listening, because I don't like people to hear my singing.


Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby

Over in Killarney,many years ago
My mother sang a song to me
in tones so sweet and low
Just a simple little ditty
in her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world if she could sing
that song to me this day

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.

Oft in dreams I wander
to that cot again.
I feel her arms a-hugging me
As when she held me then.
And I hear her voice a-hummin'
to me as in the days of yore,
when she used to rock me fast asleep
outside the cabin door.

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.

I might also add that Clark was fussing in his swing, and when I clicked on the video of the women singing, he went back to sleep...twice

here is a link to a person singing it (beautifully I might add)

http://www.lullaby-link.com/irish-lullaby.html

loss of a fur baby

There is nothing worse than the feeling of getting a message from my mom saying "My cell phone is dead, but I need you to call me asap". I just instantly get the feeling that it's going to be bad news, and the way it's been going, I am fearful that it's death.
*Now let me make this clear, nothing will ever, EVER be more painful than losing a human family member, especially when it's a baby, because babies are the future. You know that someday your older family members will pass away before you, you just hope to god that you never lose a child.*

So, I called my mother, and I just didn't know what to expect, and she tells me that Bossy got outside, and I was worried that she was either A)hit by a car, or B)eaten by a coyote (because they have come into the area recently).
She began to tell me that my dad just feels absolutely sick about what happened. Lately I'd been letting bossy outside to help alleviate the tention between her and the other cats in the house.
She had escaped that day, and they brought her in, but somehow she got outside again.
This is the painful part, she was hiding underneath my dads tire, and he didn't know it.
He must have been moving the car for my mom so she could move her car and that's when he saw her.
I'm not mad at my father in any way, because I know he loved her, and he feels terribly about what happened.
I'm slightly bitter about the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye, or the fact that I didn't get to bring her to Dallas when I wanted to. I feel like my husband doesn't understand why I'm so upset. Before I had convinced him that she should come to Dallas he said he either wanted to give her away or have her put down, so it almost feels like he got his wish....she isn't coming to Dallas....in fur form :(.
My mom said she would have the cat cremated, I'm not sure what I am going to with her ashes, but I will keep my promise to her, she will come to Dallas with me.

So Bossy boots, my lovely kitten, I'm sorry I wasn't there with you, I'm sorry you weren't here with me, and I wish I'd given you an extra snuggle the last time I saw you.
The thing about the last time you see someone is, if you realized it was the last time you saw them, you would have done things much differently.

I love you Bossy, take care of baby Jackson, you are his angel kitten now, and he is your angel owner.

Made it to dallas

I've been in Dallas now for almost 2 weeks, it seems so crazy to be so far away from my family, it hurts a lot, because I miss them all so much.
I met up with my oldest sister this past weekend in Austin and it was great to see her, I like being around my family because it keeps me grounded. There have been lots of phone calls to my mom, lots of chatting to her, and letting her talk to Clark on the phone (which he does respond to with Cooing and happy faces).

There is one person I have not been able to talk to on the phone and it makes me sad. I called my sister the other day, but she was out, and seeing as it's long distance for her I don't want it to cost her a fortune to call me, plus I know how tired she has been and I don't want to call her too late. I regularily check her blog, and let her know I think of her often.

Lately I've been sad as well, thinking of Jackson, as I always do think about him. It still just doesn't feel real, like it never happened, but then I click on her blog, or look at a picture of him, and I realize "he's gone". I've watched his videos a few times, but I can never get past the opening and hearing the words "every little thing is gonna be alright". Sometimes I have to skip right to the end just to hear him cooing and baby talking to Lindsay, most of the time it's all I can handle.
Today my mind wandered off and I thought about the last time I held him, and I had to stop thinking about it because I was driving alone in the car and about to burst into tears.
I think the transition of moving away from my family has just made this all so much harder.

I know I will eventually settle into a routine and get used to driving in this city, and not being in my comfort of Canada. I know this will start to get easier over time (in the mindset of living in the US, not in the sense of Jacksons' death) but for now, I have my ups and downs, I just need to hear from someone soon....because I miss her.

Terrifying

There have been few times that I have been so terrified in my life that I have screamed and panicked.
The first time was when I heard that Jackson had passed away, that was terrifying, horrifying, and destroyed me.
The second time happened this past sunday. I had attended my friends bachelorette party the night before and we got the guys to watch the babies. The next morning we were all at breakfast and my hubby said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to go back to the room. We went back, requested a late checkout and he napped for about an hour. When he woke back up he said he was feeling fine, so we started packing up getting ready to go. I had just finished calling my friend to tell her we wouldn't be visiting as my shoulder was bugging me, and Andy didn't feel up to it either. Almost immediately after hanging up with her I turned and was talking to Andy when I noticed something different. He had the strangest expression on his face, his eyes were darting around the ceiling and he almost seemed to be turning in circles. I called his named twice and when he didn't respond It hit me "oh shit he is having a seizure". My first instinct was to get the baby out of his arms. I did that and placed the baby on the bed, I was too late to get back to Andy to try and break his fall and he hit his head on the corner of the wall.
His last seizure was May 2009 on our wedding day, I hadn't seen what happens to him, I'd only seen the after math when he was in the hospital, let me just say, that I now that I've seen what happens, I'm always going to be on my toes.
It was scary, I was screaming and crying, because when Andy hit the floor, he bit his tongue and turned blue. The blood came out of his mouth and I couldn't feel a pulse and all these thoughts started running through my mind.
"I can't lose you, I've already lost my nephew Jackson, I can't lose you too". "You can't leave me, we have our whole lives together and I don't want Clark to be without his daddy". The bell hop had been called to come get our bags and I heard him knock on the door, all I could say when I answered was "call 911, my husband had a seizure, help help!" The poor room maid had also come in and she was screaming and hysterical like me. From that point on, I remember doing CPR and he started breating again, and eventually the EMS people showed up. They said that it was normal for them to look like they weren't breathing, but when in doubt, do CPR.
They took Andy to the hospital and we waited for about 4 hours before they released him, I told him how much it scared me, and how it brought me back to February and what happened to Jackson.
So now, I'm constantly on him, telling him to sleep, and watching his facial expression, constantly asking if he's ok. I worry about leaving him alone with the baby. It's not that I don't trust him, but I am constantly worried about the safety of both of them.

talking helps

I went to talk to a counsellor today, after the session she commented that she thinks I am doing really well, and just said " you don't need to book another appointment unless you want to talk about other things".
That made me feel ok, she seems to think I am handling the situation as best I can, and I guess that makes me feel better.
She did bring up some interesting points, she mentioned that my mother really does need to grieve for Jackson in her own way, but she said that in no way is she allowed to make me feel guilty for moving to Texas. One grief cannot be crossed over into the other, and if it starts to happen I have to "tell her gently" that they cannot be transferred into making me feel guilty.
So, I was in the wrong for telling my mother to talk to a counsellor to deal with her feelings, but I am allowed to tell her that she can't make me feel guilty for leaving.
There you have it, I'm not always right, but I am certainly not in the wrong with not wanting people to lay a guilt trip on me when it comes time for Clark and I to move.

I think about you all the time

I thought about my sister a lot yesterday. She went to a babyloss group to talk to others who have experienced what she is going through. I was in the shower when I started crying, I usually find my mind wandering off while I'm in there, thinking about what my sister went through. Sometimes it's so hard to comprehend what has happened, not so much "why my family", but just "why" in general. Why does that have to happen to babies or children at all. A parent losing a child is hard, and I never understood why it has to happen. It doesn't matter the age of the child, I've had customers that broke down in front of me when they lost their 30,40,50 + year old child.
I remember a time when I would read the newspaper and see a baby or a young child or and I would think to myself "Oh that poor family, I can't imagine what they are feeling right now". Now I am experiencing this first hand, seeing Jacksons obituary made it that more real, and that much more sad.
I still don't understand why this happened, and I can't imagine what my sister is feeling or how she is handling it, I look at Clark and I think to myself "I can't imagine how Lindsay is feeling, because if I lost you, I wouldn't know how to deal with this". I sometimes watch him while he sleeps and I worry, and I fret, most new parents do this, but I feel that I might be a bit more anxious because of what happened to Jackson. It's all still unknown for this time being, and my hubby tells me not to worry, but I can't help this.

I wish there was some way to understand this, but there is nothing to understand, what happened just sucks, f*cking sucks.

not really sure how to feel

If I was crying every day on a constant basis, I would be told "You should be going to therapy, you need someone to talk to".
When I advised someone today that they should try therapy, they told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and that they are "dealing with this in their own way".
So am I to be told that, if it was ME that was doing this, I need to go to talk to someone, but cannot suggest it to someone else? You can't use post-partum depression as an excuse for me, if you want me to seek help, then you can do the same.
I was quite upset, and it really ruined my day. I had just woken up from a nap, a nap in which I had a dream, that I somehow magically brought Jackson back to life. I was already upset about this dream, because no matter how hard I dream this dream, I can't bring him back. I am then forced to deal with someone who is telling me "I am dealing with this in their own way, no therapist understands how I feel" etc etc. I suggested going to a support group to talk to other people who have been through this, and was then told that I didn't know what I was talking about.
The kicker was when they said "Well maybe Lindsay should get a gold star then for going to therapy". I said "yes she should, she lost her son, and she is talking to other people about it to help her heal.".
Then I got hit with the guilt trip, "how am I supposed to deal with this, I am going to lose you and Clark in a month".
Sorry, I didn't realize that once I leave Canada I'm gone forever. As if I'm not sad enough to leave you have to remind me how much I'm hurting you and everyone in the family. I have to leave my parents, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, neices, nephews and my grandma. I am leaving it all behind, and you are making it harder for me by making me feeling guilty.
I had some back-up on my side, but that was no use in this case. My father did remind my mother than my Grandma not so long ago left her family in England behind and started a family. This was back in the 50's, things have changed since then, but according to my mother, it hasn't.
I wish I could make her understand that this wasn't the way I planned to have my life go, but this is just the way it went.
So after this my sister is left to deal with a phone message from my mom, and in return I am left to feel like crap because in return Lindsay wants my mom to deal with this in 'her own way'.
I know this is my sisters new credo, but she is being so strong and handling Jacksons death better than most people could. Not only is she dealing with this in her own way, but she has people to talk to about it. I want my mom to have people to talk to, I am dealing with a new baby, and the death of my nephew, my emotions are already at a breaking point, I don't know how much more I can handle of this.

time flies and changes things

The last time I posted was in June of 2009, things have changed, quite a bit!!! I realize at the time I posted I didn't know I was preggers, but hey, I was!!!
Nine months has since passed and I have my beautiful baby boy now.
But all is not well.
During that time my sister had her son in November, and he was beautiful, and awesome, and everything she ever wanted in a son. He wasn't my first nephew, but he was still just as special as if he were my first nephew. He had beautiful red hair, and beautiful blue eyes, and the first time I ever held him in my arms I cried, I loved him so much. I enjoyed being pregnant, and was so excited that my sister and I were going to have our babies only be 4 months apart.
Skip to February 2010 and tragedy struck. I remember it so freshly, because I think about it everyday. My sister had informed us the night before that they had to take Jackson to the hospital because he had been throwing up the night before, when he had been X-rayed they told her that his heart seemed larger, so they took him via Ambulance to a bigger hospital to help him.
I spent that whole night crying, and worrying, despite everyone telling me it was ok. I even contemplated calling my sister who was a nurse practioner to call my sister to get the low down and see what was going on.
When I called my sister the next morning to check on my nephew she said he was fine, just a little fussy, but nothing to worry about. I still cried, and fretted and worried, the hospital wasn't giving her answers fast enough.
That night, was the worst night of our lives, it was the last night of the Olympics, and we sat down to watch the hockey game, then we got the call.
"Jackson is moving to critical care, Lindsay really needs you here, please come". We all jumped up and ran around trying to get everything together as fast as we could.
The whole time, I was near tears, my sister who is the nurse called my other sister, then called us, and told us to stay calm "critical care" only meant that Jackson would be with a nurse 24/7 to watch him.
I only wish we had left sooner, or driven faster. I called my sister Lindsay to see what was going on and all she told me was "I can't tell you right now, just drive to get here, and DON'T STOP". At that point, I was shaking, and ready to cry, and so angry when my dad and husband stopped to go to the bathroom. We were only a half hour away, I wanted to yell at them to "hold their pee" I was preggers still and I would rather have peed my pants than stopped.
When we got to the hospital, I knew something wasn't right, and I didn't want it to be my worst fear, but it was.
When my sister looked me in the eyes, she confirmed what I had feared all along "Jackson is gone".
My response was "I want to see him". I held him, and I cried and I kissed him, I didn't want to believe that he was gone, but I knew I had to. I had people telling me to calm down because I was crying so hard, but what did they really know? I just wanted Jackson to open his eyes again, and have his life back, if my tears could have brought him back I would have cried for the rest of my life.
I cried all week during his funeral, and while I don't have tears every day I still think about him every hour of every day.
My contractions started the day after Jacksons funeral, and slowly, they increased, until by sunday, I had delivered my son. A week after I lost my nephew, I had my own beautiful baby boy to hold.
It didn't seem fair that my sister had only lost Jackson a week prior, why should she not have her son as well? For that matter, why does anyone have to lose their babies? I know that there is a reason and a purpose for everything, but what is the reasoning for this?

So now this is where my family stands, my sister is being so strong, and she holds my son and while she does tear up sometimes, she enjoys her time with him. I know she thinks about Jackson when she holds him, that's what hurts me.
She is holding the nephew she was waiting to meet for 9 months, but I am missing the nephew that had a cousin I wanted him to meet for 9 months.

Everyone was robbed in my family;
My son was robbed of meeting his cousin.
My neices and nephews are robbed of growing up with their cousin.
We as Aunts and Uncles are robbed of seeing a nephew grow older
Grandparents are robbed of a grandchild they had so much hope for
and My sister and her boyfriend are robbed of their beautiful boy and their parenthood.

While they will have more children in the future, there is always going to be that hole in their hearts that cannot be filled by just having another child. You see, just because you have another child, it does not replace the one you lost.
They are excellent parents, so loving and warm, everything a baby needs. I only hope they are not nervous to have more children in the future.

I hope my sister knows how much I love her, and I will always be here for her, even when I move to Texas, I will only be a phone call away. I wish I was staying in Canada, so I could only be a car ride away but that is not the path that life is leading me at the moment. I would like to move back to Canada eventually, after all that life had handed my family at the moment, I don't want to miss out on anymore time with any future babies that come into my family.