Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I know I don't post much about him on here, does that make me a bad mommy? I hope not, I just usually need to write down how I'm feeling about certain things at a certain time, and the rest of my day is spent with him.
I guess this post is about him isn't it?
I have to say, that he is an awesome baby and I love him more than anything and would do anything to protect him.
He is named after Clark Gable, not Clark Kent, like everyone thinks, I was watching TMZ when they mentioned Clark Gable III, and I thought to myself, "Clark is a fantastic name". I put it on my list, and forgot about it for a little while. When we found out we were indeed having a boy, I went back to my list, saw the name Clark again, and said to myself "This name is not in the top 100, and it's a great name to grow up with". Andy agreed, and so we kept it a secret (except for a select few people) until the day he was born.
If I'm feeling sad or upset about something, I know I can count on his toothless smile to melt my heart.
He was an unexpected gift, but he was someone I looked forward to meeting, although I was terrified that I would be bad at mothering a child. Everyday I can't wait to see what new sound he will make, and I am lucky to be able to have a year off with him, just figuring him out, and getting to know how to calm him down.
I'm so proud of him when people tell me how strong he is, and I get a kick out of the people who tell me that he is so beautiful (and they always tell me that they mean it when they say it to me).
From the moment he was born, he made me tear up, he has the nicest eyelashes, and I adore his cute little nose. He looks just like his daddy (according to everyone), but so far, he still has my blue eyes. I enjoy breastfeeding him, especially when he makes it "goofy time" and starts looking at me and smiling and talking. Then I have to tell him "hasn't anyone ever told you not to speak with your mouth full"....that makes him smile more. His sleep suckling cracks me up every time, and the pouty bottom lip lets me know that "this isn't a serious crying session...yet".
His farting and burping abilities amaze me, and I can honestly say, they make me proud the louder they are (probably not so much when he's a teenager though).
He crys when he has to roll over from Belly to Back, and he is currently rolling side to side, but not yet back to belly.
I have purchased the Angel Care Monitor specifically for this instance and I am now terrified of when he might learn to roll over.
I wish I could snuggle him all the time, and I feel guilty if I leave him to cry for too long.
I try to make sure I tell him everyday that I love him, and hope he knows how much he means to me.
I make sure I cherish every moment with him, and have learned that I have to put him first, everything else can wait, he is my number 1 commitment, and I don't mind serving this life sentence.

So Clark, from your mommy, I want you to know I love you very much, and I hope someday, you love me enough to put me up in a good nursing home.

signs signs, everywhere are signs....

I don't normally believe in "getting signs" from people beyond the grave, but then I read somewhere that whenever you have a dream about someone who has passed on, they are trying to tell you that they are ok.
I do have them from time to time. When my grandpa Jackson passed away, i had a dream about him shortly after, he was still alive in my dream, but we were at the funeral home. I remember the way he blinked, and his hands, and the way he talked. I woke up sad, remembering that he was gone. When I look back, I was so young, maybe I didn't understand, he was trying to tell me he was ok, and I shouldn't be sad.
Later on in life, my grandma Jackson passed away, and we lost our cat Buddy. They also came to me in dreams, together. My grandma always used to come over for Christmas to open gifts, and Buddy would stroll over to her, and she would say to him "what a good pussy cat". I remembered her voice saying that so often after she died. It was no surprise they came to me in a dream together, she is probably watching over Bossy now too. By this age, I had come to know that visits from people in my dreams meant that they were there to tell me they were ok. I don't know if there was ever any other messages I didn't pick up on, but I knew that meant they were watching over me.

After Jackson died, I had a nightmare, it was supposed to be a dream, but to me it was a nightmare. Jackson was still alive, but in my dream, I couldn't comprehend it, as I knew in real life he has passed away. I woke up upset and angry. Who would send me a dream like that? It's a horrible trick to think that he was still with us when he was not.
A few weeks ago, I had another dream. This one might have been my "sign" that everything was ok. In the dream, I was holding Clark, and I heard the song "Three Little birds" by Bob Marley playing. That was the song Lindsay used to sing to Jackson for his lullabyes. In my dream, I was looking for Jackson, but he wasn't there, and I knew he was gone, but I looked at Clark and said "do you hear that, it's Jacksons song, he's playing it for us". Anyone that has heard that song knows it's an uplifting song, so maybe this was his way of telling me "I'm ok Auntie Lisa".
I was unpacking dishes at my new apartment the other day, and as my mind often wanders, it went to thoughts about Jackson. I got to the dishes that Andy had wrapped up with pieces from the telephone book (imagine that....), I just threw them papers to the side, thinking nothing of them, then I decided to look at one of the pages, just to see the names on them....lo and big bold letters JACKSON. He must have known I was missing him, because, out of all the names on all of the papers in that box, I pulled out his.
I wish I could thank him for all the happiness he had brought my family in the short 4 months he was with our family, but I guess I can just be thankful for the signs that he sends me when I am missing him the most.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's like everyday is the 28th....

This past June 19th one of my good friends got married, it was so exciting to be there, and I was in the wedding party, which was quite an honour, because you don't just add people to the wedding party "for fun".
She looked beautiful, and I was so teary eyed as she walked down the aisle, seeing her hubby tear up you just knew that they are "that couple". That couple that you would also like to be, so in love after 7 years together, and they have a beautiful son together and you just know that, in 50 years time, they will be celebrating their anniversary.
Like everyday though, I wake up, and take pleasure in my smiling son, all the while in the back of my mind is Jackson. I'm always good at keeping my emotions in tact and try to keep myself from crying while in public, but my friends wedding day was the exception. Emotions are already on high on a day like this, after they finished her hair, she looked beautiful and I was so excited for her. I had sat down in the chair to get my hair done and listening to the radio, I thought to myself "please don't play any songs that will remind me of Jackson". Little did I know, that radio station would do just that.
I was sitting there when I heard "I will remember you.............will you remember me............don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories" I kept my cool for about 3 seconds when the pictures from Jacksons memorial started going through my mind and I started tearing up. Alas, the hair dresser asked if I was ok, and I started crying. How do I explain to a complete stranger that my nephew died and I miss him.
they turned the radio off for me until the song was over, but I just wished that song hadn't even been played. I felt terrible, I felt bad for crying and drawing attention to myself.
I felt bad for crying on my friends wedding day, but mostly, I felt bad because I cried and I know that Jackson isn't with us anymore and becomes a little more real and a lot more sad as the days go by.

Feb 28 2010 is a date that is forever in my mind, and never as a happy memory, I just wish I could be warned when I might have "an episode", that way I could stay indoors and cry without the worry concering random people.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Lullabyes shouldn't make you cry

Yet, today, I was searching for lullabies to sing to Clark, because frankly, Frere Jacque and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star get boring after a while.
I came across this one, It's an Irish lullaby, I may try to sing it to him, but not when anyone else is listening, because I don't like people to hear my singing.

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby

Over in Killarney,many years ago
My mother sang a song to me
in tones so sweet and low
Just a simple little ditty
in her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world if she could sing
that song to me this day

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.

Oft in dreams I wander
to that cot again.
I feel her arms a-hugging me
As when she held me then.
And I hear her voice a-hummin'
to me as in the days of yore,
when she used to rock me fast asleep
outside the cabin door.

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.

I might also add that Clark was fussing in his swing, and when I clicked on the video of the women singing, he went back to sleep...twice

here is a link to a person singing it (beautifully I might add)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

loss of a fur baby

There is nothing worse than the feeling of getting a message from my mom saying "My cell phone is dead, but I need you to call me asap". I just instantly get the feeling that it's going to be bad news, and the way it's been going, I am fearful that it's death.
*Now let me make this clear, nothing will ever, EVER be more painful than losing a human family member, especially when it's a baby, because babies are the future. You know that someday your older family members will pass away before you, you just hope to god that you never lose a child.*

So, I called my mother, and I just didn't know what to expect, and she tells me that Bossy got outside, and I was worried that she was either A)hit by a car, or B)eaten by a coyote (because they have come into the area recently).
She began to tell me that my dad just feels absolutely sick about what happened. Lately I'd been letting bossy outside to help alleviate the tention between her and the other cats in the house.
She had escaped that day, and they brought her in, but somehow she got outside again.
This is the painful part, she was hiding underneath my dads tire, and he didn't know it.
He must have been moving the car for my mom so she could move her car and that's when he saw her.
I'm not mad at my father in any way, because I know he loved her, and he feels terribly about what happened.
I'm slightly bitter about the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye, or the fact that I didn't get to bring her to Dallas when I wanted to. I feel like my husband doesn't understand why I'm so upset. Before I had convinced him that she should come to Dallas he said he either wanted to give her away or have her put down, so it almost feels like he got his wish....she isn't coming to fur form :(.
My mom said she would have the cat cremated, I'm not sure what I am going to with her ashes, but I will keep my promise to her, she will come to Dallas with me.

So Bossy boots, my lovely kitten, I'm sorry I wasn't there with you, I'm sorry you weren't here with me, and I wish I'd given you an extra snuggle the last time I saw you.
The thing about the last time you see someone is, if you realized it was the last time you saw them, you would have done things much differently.

I love you Bossy, take care of baby Jackson, you are his angel kitten now, and he is your angel owner.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Made it to dallas

I've been in Dallas now for almost 2 weeks, it seems so crazy to be so far away from my family, it hurts a lot, because I miss them all so much.
I met up with my oldest sister this past weekend in Austin and it was great to see her, I like being around my family because it keeps me grounded. There have been lots of phone calls to my mom, lots of chatting to her, and letting her talk to Clark on the phone (which he does respond to with Cooing and happy faces).

There is one person I have not been able to talk to on the phone and it makes me sad. I called my sister the other day, but she was out, and seeing as it's long distance for her I don't want it to cost her a fortune to call me, plus I know how tired she has been and I don't want to call her too late. I regularily check her blog, and let her know I think of her often.

Lately I've been sad as well, thinking of Jackson, as I always do think about him. It still just doesn't feel real, like it never happened, but then I click on her blog, or look at a picture of him, and I realize "he's gone". I've watched his videos a few times, but I can never get past the opening and hearing the words "every little thing is gonna be alright". Sometimes I have to skip right to the end just to hear him cooing and baby talking to Lindsay, most of the time it's all I can handle.
Today my mind wandered off and I thought about the last time I held him, and I had to stop thinking about it because I was driving alone in the car and about to burst into tears.
I think the transition of moving away from my family has just made this all so much harder.

I know I will eventually settle into a routine and get used to driving in this city, and not being in my comfort of Canada. I know this will start to get easier over time (in the mindset of living in the US, not in the sense of Jacksons' death) but for now, I have my ups and downs, I just need to hear from someone soon....because I miss her.