I didn't need to think of a clever name for this post, it is what it is. The date is forever going to hold bad memories for me, and those memories are being scared that I was going to lose my nephew, and then those fears coming true.
As I've stated in many previous posts, when Lindsay told me Jackson was in the hospital, I was scared, nervous, and I was also crying inside (because whenever I would start to tear up, my hubby would stop me, and tell me everything was going to be ok....well it wasn't).
The trip to Kingston was awful, and the one thing I've never mentioned, but sticks in my memory is a song that came up on my Ipod. I was trying to keep my spirits up by listening to music, when the song "Wires" by Athlete popped up. I tried to listen, but I couldn't, I knew that song was going to break me, and I turned it off as the tears came into my eyes.
In the Song "Wires" The singer is telling the story of running through the corridors of the hospital, to his baby, needing to make sure they will be alright. He sees them in the hospital with wires attached all over their body, but when he looks into their eyes, he knew they were going to be ok.
I only wish the ending of that song had held true in Jacksons life. I wish I could have seen it in his eyes that he would be alright...I never got to, he didn't make it, and by the time we got to the hospital he was gone. I had only held him a week before, so happy and full of life, and now he was gone.
I still haven't listened to that song since then.
I am going to release balloons after Boogs wakes up from his nap. He may not have known Jackson while he was on earth, but I know there is a connection deep down with them. He sees his pictures in the house, and points to them once in a while. He may not fully understand who that other baby is, but one day, he will.
There isn't much more to say, I'm still angry, and sad, even though we have some answers as to why he died, it doesn't make me feel better.
I just want my nephew back.