Sunday, April 11, 2010

not really sure how to feel

If I was crying every day on a constant basis, I would be told "You should be going to therapy, you need someone to talk to".
When I advised someone today that they should try therapy, they told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and that they are "dealing with this in their own way".
So am I to be told that, if it was ME that was doing this, I need to go to talk to someone, but cannot suggest it to someone else? You can't use post-partum depression as an excuse for me, if you want me to seek help, then you can do the same.
I was quite upset, and it really ruined my day. I had just woken up from a nap, a nap in which I had a dream, that I somehow magically brought Jackson back to life. I was already upset about this dream, because no matter how hard I dream this dream, I can't bring him back. I am then forced to deal with someone who is telling me "I am dealing with this in their own way, no therapist understands how I feel" etc etc. I suggested going to a support group to talk to other people who have been through this, and was then told that I didn't know what I was talking about.
The kicker was when they said "Well maybe Lindsay should get a gold star then for going to therapy". I said "yes she should, she lost her son, and she is talking to other people about it to help her heal.".
Then I got hit with the guilt trip, "how am I supposed to deal with this, I am going to lose you and Clark in a month".
Sorry, I didn't realize that once I leave Canada I'm gone forever. As if I'm not sad enough to leave you have to remind me how much I'm hurting you and everyone in the family. I have to leave my parents, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, neices, nephews and my grandma. I am leaving it all behind, and you are making it harder for me by making me feeling guilty.
I had some back-up on my side, but that was no use in this case. My father did remind my mother than my Grandma not so long ago left her family in England behind and started a family. This was back in the 50's, things have changed since then, but according to my mother, it hasn't.
I wish I could make her understand that this wasn't the way I planned to have my life go, but this is just the way it went.
So after this my sister is left to deal with a phone message from my mom, and in return I am left to feel like crap because in return Lindsay wants my mom to deal with this in 'her own way'.
I know this is my sisters new credo, but she is being so strong and handling Jacksons death better than most people could. Not only is she dealing with this in her own way, but she has people to talk to about it. I want my mom to have people to talk to, I am dealing with a new baby, and the death of my nephew, my emotions are already at a breaking point, I don't know how much more I can handle of this.

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