I thought about my sister a lot yesterday. She went to a babyloss group to talk to others who have experienced what she is going through. I was in the shower when I started crying, I usually find my mind wandering off while I'm in there, thinking about what my sister went through. Sometimes it's so hard to comprehend what has happened, not so much "why my family", but just "why" in general. Why does that have to happen to babies or children at all. A parent losing a child is hard, and I never understood why it has to happen. It doesn't matter the age of the child, I've had customers that broke down in front of me when they lost their 30,40,50 + year old child.
I remember a time when I would read the newspaper and see a baby or a young child or and I would think to myself "Oh that poor family, I can't imagine what they are feeling right now". Now I am experiencing this first hand, seeing Jacksons obituary made it that more real, and that much more sad.
I still don't understand why this happened, and I can't imagine what my sister is feeling or how she is handling it, I look at Clark and I think to myself "I can't imagine how Lindsay is feeling, because if I lost you, I wouldn't know how to deal with this". I sometimes watch him while he sleeps and I worry, and I fret, most new parents do this, but I feel that I might be a bit more anxious because of what happened to Jackson. It's all still unknown for this time being, and my hubby tells me not to worry, but I can't help this.
I wish there was some way to understand this, but there is nothing to understand, what happened just sucks, f*cking sucks.