The last time I posted was in June of 2009, things have changed, quite a bit!!! I realize at the time I posted I didn't know I was preggers, but hey, I was!!!
Nine months has since passed and I have my beautiful baby boy now.
But all is not well.
During that time my sister had her son in November, and he was beautiful, and awesome, and everything she ever wanted in a son. He wasn't my first nephew, but he was still just as special as if he were my first nephew. He had beautiful red hair, and beautiful blue eyes, and the first time I ever held him in my arms I cried, I loved him so much. I enjoyed being pregnant, and was so excited that my sister and I were going to have our babies only be 4 months apart.
Skip to February 2010 and tragedy struck. I remember it so freshly, because I think about it everyday. My sister had informed us the night before that they had to take Jackson to the hospital because he had been throwing up the night before, when he had been X-rayed they told her that his heart seemed larger, so they took him via Ambulance to a bigger hospital to help him.
I spent that whole night crying, and worrying, despite everyone telling me it was ok. I even contemplated calling my sister who was a nurse practioner to call my sister to get the low down and see what was going on.
When I called my sister the next morning to check on my nephew she said he was fine, just a little fussy, but nothing to worry about. I still cried, and fretted and worried, the hospital wasn't giving her answers fast enough.
That night, was the worst night of our lives, it was the last night of the Olympics, and we sat down to watch the hockey game, then we got the call.
"Jackson is moving to critical care, Lindsay really needs you here, please come". We all jumped up and ran around trying to get everything together as fast as we could.
The whole time, I was near tears, my sister who is the nurse called my other sister, then called us, and told us to stay calm "critical care" only meant that Jackson would be with a nurse 24/7 to watch him.
I only wish we had left sooner, or driven faster. I called my sister Lindsay to see what was going on and all she told me was "I can't tell you right now, just drive to get here, and DON'T STOP". At that point, I was shaking, and ready to cry, and so angry when my dad and husband stopped to go to the bathroom. We were only a half hour away, I wanted to yell at them to "hold their pee" I was preggers still and I would rather have peed my pants than stopped.
When we got to the hospital, I knew something wasn't right, and I didn't want it to be my worst fear, but it was.
When my sister looked me in the eyes, she confirmed what I had feared all along "Jackson is gone".
My response was "I want to see him". I held him, and I cried and I kissed him, I didn't want to believe that he was gone, but I knew I had to. I had people telling me to calm down because I was crying so hard, but what did they really know? I just wanted Jackson to open his eyes again, and have his life back, if my tears could have brought him back I would have cried for the rest of my life.
I cried all week during his funeral, and while I don't have tears every day I still think about him every hour of every day.
My contractions started the day after Jacksons funeral, and slowly, they increased, until by sunday, I had delivered my son. A week after I lost my nephew, I had my own beautiful baby boy to hold.
It didn't seem fair that my sister had only lost Jackson a week prior, why should she not have her son as well? For that matter, why does anyone have to lose their babies? I know that there is a reason and a purpose for everything, but what is the reasoning for this?
So now this is where my family stands, my sister is being so strong, and she holds my son and while she does tear up sometimes, she enjoys her time with him. I know she thinks about Jackson when she holds him, that's what hurts me.
She is holding the nephew she was waiting to meet for 9 months, but I am missing the nephew that had a cousin I wanted him to meet for 9 months.
Everyone was robbed in my family;
My son was robbed of meeting his cousin.
My neices and nephews are robbed of growing up with their cousin.
We as Aunts and Uncles are robbed of seeing a nephew grow older
Grandparents are robbed of a grandchild they had so much hope for
and My sister and her boyfriend are robbed of their beautiful boy and their parenthood.
While they will have more children in the future, there is always going to be that hole in their hearts that cannot be filled by just having another child. You see, just because you have another child, it does not replace the one you lost.
They are excellent parents, so loving and warm, everything a baby needs. I only hope they are not nervous to have more children in the future.
I hope my sister knows how much I love her, and I will always be here for her, even when I move to Texas, I will only be a phone call away. I wish I was staying in Canada, so I could only be a car ride away but that is not the path that life is leading me at the moment. I would like to move back to Canada eventually, after all that life had handed my family at the moment, I don't want to miss out on anymore time with any future babies that come into my family.