Thursday, July 29, 2010


It seems like being stuck at home all day, I don't have much to talk about, and can't do much with Andy being in the house.
He has been working at an office for the last 3 days and it's been kinda nice, his sister came to visit, so I've gotten out of the house, and then today after she left I was able to put Sugar Booger down for a nap (in the chair of course) which left me time to work out! I never get to work out during the day, and I must say, it is much more convenient if he's napping, with no threat of waking up and having to be rocked back to sleep (because I can distract him for a bit in a chair while I finish my stuff).
When Andy is home I'm usually confined to the 2 upstairs rooms while he's on a conference call, and let me say, it sucks.
He says "well you can go out, to *the mall* or *target* or *something else*" but after a while that loses it's lustre as well. Besides that we are trying to save money so we actually can buy stuff we will need (diapers, baby clothes etc). I need to look into mommy groups to go to during the day, or something fun, but sometimes I just want to sit at home and maybe watch tv, or take a nap in a chair that I find comfy. Really hard to do when your hubby is working less that 5 feet away from you.
Another Finally I've been able to do is - have a no holds barred conversation about Jackson.
When I'm at parties and Andy isn't near by, some of the girls will ask me how my sister is doing, and they will ask me about Jackson. His sister was the same way, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted, when I want to talk about him I could, and I could talk about how much I miss him, I can tell that Andy gets uncomfortable when I get emotional and he just wants to stop the crying and make me feel better.
Sometimes, it's something I need to talk about. I can't talk about once and then say "ok, i'm done, I don't need to talk about him anymore". It's an ongoing thing, and even though he was only with us for 4 short months, and the stories are always going to be the same, I like to think about him, even when it makes me sad. I keep his memory alive by keeping his pictures on the fireplace so I can see his sweet little face everyday. I know he's not with us anymore, but I need to see that face to reassure me that "yes, he was here once, left a footprint and took a piece of his Auntie Lisas' heart when he left". I don't want people to think I'm obsessively thinking about him 24/7, but because I don't have a spouse who wants to talk about it from time to time, it all comes out on my blog. When I can talk about him to friend it comes as a relief because I have my say, share memories and then I can continue on without feeling repressed.

Sorry for my mini rant, but sometimes it all gets a little jumbled around here, and when I have a free moment I feel like I have to write it all down before it becomes verbal diarrhea or a passive aggressive rant that gets directed at the wrong person.

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