Living here I've begun to realize something, but then again I've always know it. I'm missing out on so much at home.
I saw pictures of my friends 1st birthday party for her son, and I saw all of my friends in the pictures and thought to myself "I wish I was there, I missed out on seeing him turn 1". I won't get to be there when my friends start having kids, and when new nieces or nephews start coming into this world.
It really really sucks. I have friends down here with kids, but it's not quite the same thing. I didn't make these friends on my own, I got them through my husband, so I don't feel like I quite "earned" them the way I normally would with other friends.
the end
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
stinging eyes
It never fails, my friends post videos every day, but once in a while they post the same video, and it's always for the Bob Marley song - "Three Little Birds". I have a hard time not clicking on it, because I am reminded instantly of Jackson when I hear it. I don't seek it out by myself, because it's too hard to hear it and I don't want to do that to myself, but when someone else posts it, I feel like it's ok, maybe today is the day I'm supposed to hear it.
Today, I couldn't do it, it was an adorable looking video, but I had to stop because it looked like happy little animal parents with their animal babies, so I shut it off.
I did send it to my sister. Not to hurt her, or make her sad, but so she could see it if she wanted to, or was ready to.
When I'm ready to, I will watch it, Linds, I hope it didn't make you sad that I sent it.
Love you.
Today, I couldn't do it, it was an adorable looking video, but I had to stop because it looked like happy little animal parents with their animal babies, so I shut it off.
I did send it to my sister. Not to hurt her, or make her sad, but so she could see it if she wanted to, or was ready to.
When I'm ready to, I will watch it, Linds, I hope it didn't make you sad that I sent it.
Love you.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
6 months!
Today Booger bear turned 6 months old, I had a "holy crap" kind of moment. I realized that I pushed him out 6 months ago, and time really has flown by. I remember holding him in my arms and thinking "oh you're so small, and you need me so much, I wonder how much you'll change." Well he still needs me, but, small? not so Much. When he was born he was 8lbs 2 ounces, and now he is a whopping 21 pounds 2 ounces. He is rolling around like a mad man, and as for his hatred of tummy time, that's gone too. I frequently find him sleeping on his tummy, or rolling onto it to look at the world from another angle.
He has ticklish spots under his arms and on his back, and standing (with our help) is his favourite hobby. He freaks out slightly if he is having a good time standing and I have to set him down to go do something. He naps in his crib finally, and I don't take as many mommy naps with him, I can also start giving him solid food now, YAY!!!! I've been waiting for 6 long months to finally give him something new, and now I'm having a hard time deciding what it should be.
He got his shots today, I think Andy and I were a little bit more upset then he was, but he still shed quite a few tears to make us feel bad. The rest of the day we spent hanging out, playing, and just trying to keep him from losing his mind if he felt any pain from his legs.
Now I'm looking forward to next month, because I get to fly home and visit with my family and friends (I miss all of you guys!). See you all soon.
And, as I always do, I choked back tears today when I realized that I've gotten to see my son do so much in such a short time, and I know that someone I love very very much doesn't get to do that, and it isn't fair, and it sucks. I know the answer will come, and we will know what took him from us, but that doesn't ever make me feel better and it won't change the fact that he's not with us anymore. Miss you Jackson.
He has ticklish spots under his arms and on his back, and standing (with our help) is his favourite hobby. He freaks out slightly if he is having a good time standing and I have to set him down to go do something. He naps in his crib finally, and I don't take as many mommy naps with him, I can also start giving him solid food now, YAY!!!! I've been waiting for 6 long months to finally give him something new, and now I'm having a hard time deciding what it should be.
He got his shots today, I think Andy and I were a little bit more upset then he was, but he still shed quite a few tears to make us feel bad. The rest of the day we spent hanging out, playing, and just trying to keep him from losing his mind if he felt any pain from his legs.
Now I'm looking forward to next month, because I get to fly home and visit with my family and friends (I miss all of you guys!). See you all soon.
And, as I always do, I choked back tears today when I realized that I've gotten to see my son do so much in such a short time, and I know that someone I love very very much doesn't get to do that, and it isn't fair, and it sucks. I know the answer will come, and we will know what took him from us, but that doesn't ever make me feel better and it won't change the fact that he's not with us anymore. Miss you Jackson.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Holy Craft!
I have successfully been able to craft something. I had a wedding yesterday that we attended, and after going to the mall, and seeing nothing that I would actually wear to a wedding (let alone want to pay for) I decided that, if my husband would let me, I would just sew a dress. It took about a week to do, on and off with working out, watching baby, between his sleeping and then getting myself to bed, I finished it!
It a 100% brag worthy dress, but it made me happy that I finally got it accomplished.
I also learned that Booger Bear will take a nap in his crib. Sometimes it's an hour, sometimes it's a half hour, but he will let me lay him down. I was so happy to learn this, and felt that I accomplished something else that week. So maybe, just maybe when the weather is nicer (aka cools off), we can set up a "sweat shop" as my hubby calls it, in the garage, and I can craft after hours.
It a 100% brag worthy dress, but it made me happy that I finally got it accomplished.
I also learned that Booger Bear will take a nap in his crib. Sometimes it's an hour, sometimes it's a half hour, but he will let me lay him down. I was so happy to learn this, and felt that I accomplished something else that week. So maybe, just maybe when the weather is nicer (aka cools off), we can set up a "sweat shop" as my hubby calls it, in the garage, and I can craft after hours.
Friday, September 3, 2010
UTIs' for everyone!
Let me just say that I woke up this morning, and was ready to beat someone up, mostly whoever was making me feel like crap.
I have never had a UTI, or a Bladder infection, and after getting baby C's UTI all cleared up, I understand exactly why he screamed his head off when he was wetting his diaper.
I hate being sick, and rarely get sick. In fact the last time I was sick was with kidney stones when I was preggers with booger bear. So today when I went to the doctor and I explained my symptoms she told me it was exactly what I thought it was, and prescribed me medications.
What I hated was having to fill out all of the insurance forms. Say what you want about Canadian health care, but it was always there for me when I needed it, and I wait the same amount of time here as I did there. I don't see the difference, oh right, I have insurance here, if I didn't, I might not be as lucky with service as I am. Ontario, it didn't matter how much money you had to throw at people, you waited just like everyone else. To some people it sucks (mostly the rich who don't want to have to wait with us common folk).
I had a bit of a meltdown once I got home, my hubby dropped off my prescription, but not without some snarky attitude, he did change his tune once he saw the tears falling from my eyes.
I told him that "I'm sorry I'm sick, it's not something I planned on". I don't think he realizes that I am a sensitive personality and cry at the drop of a hat.
So for the next few days, or until the meds kick in, I will be in a bad mood, and hopefully won't take it out on anyone, if I do, I apologize now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We decided to go out for dinner tonight and on the way home on the radio, I heard Puff Daddys "I'll be missing you", I was waiting for Andy to come back to the car, and we had the sunroof open, as I looked up I saw three birds fly by. It made me think of you Lindsay, and your 3 little birds.
I have never had a UTI, or a Bladder infection, and after getting baby C's UTI all cleared up, I understand exactly why he screamed his head off when he was wetting his diaper.
I hate being sick, and rarely get sick. In fact the last time I was sick was with kidney stones when I was preggers with booger bear. So today when I went to the doctor and I explained my symptoms she told me it was exactly what I thought it was, and prescribed me medications.
What I hated was having to fill out all of the insurance forms. Say what you want about Canadian health care, but it was always there for me when I needed it, and I wait the same amount of time here as I did there. I don't see the difference, oh right, I have insurance here, if I didn't, I might not be as lucky with service as I am. Ontario, it didn't matter how much money you had to throw at people, you waited just like everyone else. To some people it sucks (mostly the rich who don't want to have to wait with us common folk).
I had a bit of a meltdown once I got home, my hubby dropped off my prescription, but not without some snarky attitude, he did change his tune once he saw the tears falling from my eyes.
I told him that "I'm sorry I'm sick, it's not something I planned on". I don't think he realizes that I am a sensitive personality and cry at the drop of a hat.
So for the next few days, or until the meds kick in, I will be in a bad mood, and hopefully won't take it out on anyone, if I do, I apologize now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We decided to go out for dinner tonight and on the way home on the radio, I heard Puff Daddys "I'll be missing you", I was waiting for Andy to come back to the car, and we had the sunroof open, as I looked up I saw three birds fly by. It made me think of you Lindsay, and your 3 little birds.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
5 months
C is 5 months old today, and officially cutting at least 2 teeth from what I have seen. He is so miserable, I wish I could take the teething pain for him, but instead I'm dealing with a dull ache in my left shoulder that is making me want to vomit a little bit.
The last time I had an ache like this is around the time C was 2 months old, it's really frustrating, but I can get him calm, but then the shoulder starts to bother me, and I have to shift him a little bit, and that makes him angry. I just want it to stop so I can focus on keeping C calm from the teething pain. He also ran a fever today, and vomited quite a bit this morning. The vomit always scares me, because you never know what it means. Did i over feed him? Is he sick? Was it because his diaper was poopy and I should have changed it first before feeding him? All very valid questions. Now I am going to be eyeing on him and making sure he's feverish because of the teeth and not because he's sick.
I might seem to some people like I'm over reacting, but because of Jacksons death, I am going to over react and be protective of him.
Speaking of Jackson, it's been a little over 5 long months since he's been gone. It's such a short time, but it seems like a life time ago since I last saw him. Saw his beautiful blue eyes, and heard him cooing. Now I have my own little guy, with his own little blue eyes, and he is giggling and I think to myself "why can't we have Jackson too". There are too many babies taken in the world too soon, and he was one of them. I want nothing more than my sister to be able to take happiness in the fact that both of our children are growing up and doing all the things they should be doing. Instead she wants to be happy for me, but it's hard for her to watch videos of C, knowing that Jackson was so close to that point, but he never got the chance to do what he's doing. I sometimes find myself in mid sob, because I realize how much I miss him, and how long it has been.
I miss you buddy XOXO.
The last time I had an ache like this is around the time C was 2 months old, it's really frustrating, but I can get him calm, but then the shoulder starts to bother me, and I have to shift him a little bit, and that makes him angry. I just want it to stop so I can focus on keeping C calm from the teething pain. He also ran a fever today, and vomited quite a bit this morning. The vomit always scares me, because you never know what it means. Did i over feed him? Is he sick? Was it because his diaper was poopy and I should have changed it first before feeding him? All very valid questions. Now I am going to be eyeing on him and making sure he's feverish because of the teeth and not because he's sick.
I might seem to some people like I'm over reacting, but because of Jacksons death, I am going to over react and be protective of him.
Speaking of Jackson, it's been a little over 5 long months since he's been gone. It's such a short time, but it seems like a life time ago since I last saw him. Saw his beautiful blue eyes, and heard him cooing. Now I have my own little guy, with his own little blue eyes, and he is giggling and I think to myself "why can't we have Jackson too". There are too many babies taken in the world too soon, and he was one of them. I want nothing more than my sister to be able to take happiness in the fact that both of our children are growing up and doing all the things they should be doing. Instead she wants to be happy for me, but it's hard for her to watch videos of C, knowing that Jackson was so close to that point, but he never got the chance to do what he's doing. I sometimes find myself in mid sob, because I realize how much I miss him, and how long it has been.
I miss you buddy XOXO.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
crafty crafterson
The last time I sewed clothing for myself was before baby C was born. The last time I sewed anything was a diaper bag (I made one for me, my friend, my mom, my hubby, and my sister), again, all before baby C was born.
I'm just itching to sew something again, it's getting to a breaking point. I've become obsessed with "where can I put this sewing machine, how can I entertain the baby while I sew, maybe I can get the garage cleaned out so I can set up my cutting table". I would love to be able to get around to sewing soon, but I'm not sure if I can. I've started doing P90X, and if I can get a workout in early enough then I just have to worry about getting the baby to bed. By the end of the day though I'm usually so exhausted I just can't even focus enough to sew.
I'm hoping that someday soon, I can multitask, then I can finally get my itchy hands on some fabric to create something.
Until then, I creep on some crafting blogs, peruse craftster.org, save some of my favourites, and dream of the day that I can maybe, just maybe, sew something ;).
I'm just itching to sew something again, it's getting to a breaking point. I've become obsessed with "where can I put this sewing machine, how can I entertain the baby while I sew, maybe I can get the garage cleaned out so I can set up my cutting table". I would love to be able to get around to sewing soon, but I'm not sure if I can. I've started doing P90X, and if I can get a workout in early enough then I just have to worry about getting the baby to bed. By the end of the day though I'm usually so exhausted I just can't even focus enough to sew.
I'm hoping that someday soon, I can multitask, then I can finally get my itchy hands on some fabric to create something.
Until then, I creep on some crafting blogs, peruse craftster.org, save some of my favourites, and dream of the day that I can maybe, just maybe, sew something ;).
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